What are some super dumb things you shouldn’t say? I’ll share 35 of them in this episode, and I’ll recommend the book that can help you understand how to avoid hurting people’s feelings, without having to walk on eggshells.
Tyler Small: [00:00:00]When I was a little kid in first grade, I think I was out playing with some friends and I said something to one of them. And another one of my friends said, Hey, that's not cool. And he said in a respectful way, and he said it loud enough that those who had heard the comment were able to hear that as well.
And I thought that was really important. And although I felt very deeply embarrassed and ashamed of what I had said. I was so grateful for my friend's courage in stepping up and saying that was not cool. That was not acceptable. And I just was remembering this, it had an impact on me and I realized like, Oh my goodness I need to not make fun of anyone for any reason.
And I was reflecting on that while reading this book, 35 Dumb Things Well-intentioned People Say. I was reading it for the second time. Actually read it for the first time a few years ago and just reflecting on it. I [00:01:00] thought, wow this is a really important book for people like me and anyone who wants to hack their own emotional intelligence,
this will not be a, the book review. However, I did want to share some things from it and invite you all to read this really cool book. The short book, if you want to read a short, easy book read this one and I want to start by sharing with you something that this lady says about Political correctness.
Okay. So some of you might be thinking, no, my like not another PC book. That's actually one of the 35 things she says that well-intentioned people say, she says, one of them is. Here's another book on political correctness and she says that the intent people have when they say this are that some people are frustrated with being told what they can and cannot say.
And as a result, try to diminish the value of the information being offered. She says the impact of this is that labeling something as politically correct is a common and powerful way to [00:02:00] dismiss an experience or viewpoint. The person making the comment about political correctness is attempting to shut the other person up so that they shut down and they no longer have to deal with them. It demonstrates impatience and unwillingness to learn new ways to have more effective communication. The most significant impact of this thinking is that it continues to widen the divide of us versus them.
We tend to shut down our minds and hearts to hearing and understanding other people's perspectives that are different from our own. She says the best bet is to think about what Einstein said, that we are all ignorant, just in different ways. We're all lifelong learners and teachers. The more we learn, the better we can teach compassion to the next generation.
I love that. Love it. I want to also read you just the, from the table of contents, the 35 dumb things that people say. And I wanted to ask [00:03:00] you a question. So for each of these items, for the ones that you're like, Oh, I know what she's talking about when you hear it. When you hear me say it, then, are you saying, Oh, I know what she's saying, and I know why that's a really dumb thing to say.
And I know how to avoid it, or are you saying. I don't see what the problem is with that. Then you may be well-intentioned and this book would be even more valuable for you.
If you are one of those people, who's Oh my goodness, like politically, correct. Like it's such a drag or, Oh, it paralyzes me like when I'm trying to like talk to somebody and make conversation, like there's all these things that I'm not supposed to say. I think the answer is just read this book.
It covers all the basic categories and explains the why behind it. So incredibly valuable book. Me reading this list to you will not give you the same impact unfortunately is as reading the [00:04:00] book itself. But I wanted to give you a taste of it. So without further ado, let me read through these items. So you can just hear this list. It's incredible. These are the 35 Dumb Things
Well-intentioned People Say. Number one, some of my best friends are dot.dot number two. I know exactly how you feel. Number three, I don't think of you as dot.dot. Number four. The same thing happens to me too. Number five. It was only a joke. Don't take things. So seriously. Number six. What do your people think?
Number seven? What are you or where are you really from?Number eight. I don't see color or I'm colorblind. Number nine. You are so articulate. Number 10. It is so much better than it used to be. Just be patient. Number [00:05:00] 11, you speak the language very well. Number 12, asking black people about their hair or hygiene. Number 13, saying to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people.
What you do in the privacy of your own bedroom is your own business. Number 14. Yes, but you're a good one. Number 15, you have such a pretty face. Number 16. I never owned slaves. Number 17. If you're going to live in this country, learn to speak the language number 18, she or he is a good person. She or he didn't mean anything by it.
Number 19, I said the same thing to other people like you, they didn't mind. Number 20. Calling women, girls, honey, sweetie pie, or other familiar terms. Number 21. When people of [00:06:00] color say it's not the same thing. Number 22, when people of faith say love the sinner, not the sin. Number 23, when white men say we are the ones being discriminated against now. Number 24, referring to older people as cute.
Number 25 asking a transgendered person. What are you really? Are you a man or a woman? Number 26, referring to the significant other partner or spouse of a same gender. Couple as their friend. Number 27. Why do they fill in the blank? Always have to sit together. They're always sticking together. Number 28.
People just need to pick themselves up by their bootstraps. Number 29, people with disabilities are courageous. Number 30. [00:07:00] That's so gay, queer or that's so retarded. Number 31. I don't see the difference. We're all part of the same race, the human race.
Number 32. I don't care if you're pink, purple or orange. I treat all people the same. 33 asking a transgender person. Have you had the operation? 34 saying to a Jewish person. You're so lucky you have your Christmas spread over a whole week. And number 35 here's another book on political correctness.
Just in closing, I want to read the closing thoughts she has in this book that I thought are fantastic.
So her either closing thoughts, she says, do good intentions, count for something? Yes. I believe that well-intentioned statements do count at some level, however, intentions in and of themselves do not eradicate the harmful [00:08:00] impact such statements caused. All of us. At some point have made well-intentioned statements that have caused harm.
It is part of the human experience. Personally, I would much rather deal with someone who has good intentions then with someone who is purposefully doing harm. It is however, not an excuse and should not be used as such. The list that I have made in this book includes some of the most common statements that act as pitfalls to effective communication.
It is my most sincere hope that the information shared has provided you with beneficial insights that will improve the overall quality of your relationships. Both personally and professionally, I maintain a strong, personal belief that people are basically good-hearted and look to help people not hurt them.
Once we realize that we have caused harm. We look to heal it. I leave you with one final quote. When other people make mistakes, we seek [00:09:00] justice. When we make mistakes, we see compassion. The lesson is to give to others what you seek. Maura J. Cullen.
I'm Tyler Small, and this is Hacking Emotional Intelligence.