WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID? In this episode, Tyler explores how we sometimes -- okay, usually -- share some responsibility for the conflicts that involve us. AND for solving them. Follow The 5-Star Approach on: • LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-5-star-approach • Facebook https://www.facebook.com/5starapproach • Instagram https://www.instagram.com/5starapproach/
with Tyler Small
I think that sometimes we bite our own tail, so to speak, by forgetting to ask, "What part of this could be mine?" I'm sure there's a percentage point or two or three percentage points of doubt that I could be wrong. What part of this could I be maybe responsible for?
Hey guys, I've got a question for you today. And some stories about it. The question is: “What part of this could be mine?” And I wanted to tell you first of this proverbial dog story - and it's where the dog sees this, this thing it's moving around. And, ah, it must be a threat and it, it bites that thing. And it turns out that it's the dog's tail! It's its own tail that it bites.
I think that sometimes we bite our own tail, so to speak, by forgetting to ask such questions of, What part of this could be mine? What part of this could I be maybe responsible for.
And a longer form of the question: I remember one time, uh, I was talking with my boss, Evan Pincus at Western Governors University. I was telling him the situation; there was a conflict I had with, with someone I was working with. And I, and I said, here's, here's, the deal was just conflict. And I'm pretty sure the reasons why, the reason why that, that this is happening is because of this, this other person is doing this thing...
And I think he asked a question, something like this: Are you 100% positive that is the reason? And I don't know if, if he knew more or not, but he asked that question. And I thought, oh my goodness, am I a hundred percent positive? No, I'm not a hundred percent positive. I'm sure there's, you know, a, a percentage point or two or three percentage points of doubt there; that possibility that I could be wrong.
And, and so, the next question was, well, what would you do if, uh, you know... How can you find out, or what would you do if, you know, if some small portion of this was you're doing? Or whatever... Like it was, it was that opening the door just a crack enough to see a little bit of, a little bit of light through to the, oh, okay, maybe there's a possibility here that some part of this was mine.
And it usually is, right? It's usually like the dog story and like my story, uh, at Western Governors University. Usually there's, there's some little piece that's probably our doing; that we could probably improve on.
Another funny story: Yesterday I was in my yard and I went out there to do some, some yard work and, uh, and, and to mix in some, uh, some compost into the, into the dirt. And I went out and I did do this, and I moved this piece of yard decor, leaned it up against the fence. And I started to turn over the soil and mix in this, this compost.
And I got the compost out, and the wheel barrel, and I'm mixing and... And pretty soon I hear this noise, this very strange creaking sound - "Eeeennnnn" - just the weirdest sound. I'd never heard a sound like that before. And I'm looking around in my neighbors yards. And sure enough, I see that, that my neighbor's door is open, and they have the screen door closed with the main door is open.
And I thought, Ah! It's them. This weird sound is, is coming from my neighbor's house over there. And they must be doing something really crazy over there. They're such, they must be really strange people. Of course, I had no other reason to believe that they were strange people other than this very strange sound.
And I, every few minutes, I would hear this really weird screeching sound again. And I would look over, wonder what they're doing in there. Oh boy, this is, this is weird. They must be crazy! And, uh, and, and I'm just trying to imagine what this really weird noise could be, coming from my neighbor's house.
So pretty soon I finish up the work, and I go to move this piece of yard decor back into the corner. And I realize that the strange noise is coming from the squeak in between where the yard decor is leaning up against my vinyl fence. And, and it's just reverberating through the fence and making this super strange sound. Every time the wind would blow, it would make this really weird screeching sound.
I realized it was me! I set up this whole thing and it was, it was totally my doing. So, super silly of me to assume that my neighbor was doing some strange thing in their house.
But I think that is the natural human response, right? The natural human response is to believe, oh, it's, it's all these other people that are strange. Not me! I'm totally normal. Everything I do is perfect.
So I, all these things were in my mind as I entered a conversation with one of my kids later on that day. And, uh, I, there was, there was quite a conflict and I, and, uh, it got, it got a little bit heated and mostly on the part of my kid. But still it was, uh, it was a conflict and I was, uh, I wasn't being part of the solution to this conflict.
And, uh, we, we ran out of time. I had a meeting or something I had to run to. And then, in between, I was talking to my wife and she said, basically, What part of this could be you, you know? What, what part is it could be yours?
And I thought about that, and I was like, oh my goodness, you're right. And she knew. She knew that I had contributed to this problem. And so after thinking about that, I decided to apologize. She recommended also that I apologize; she's a very wise woman.
So I went in to finish this conversation with my kid, and I apologized. In fact we also... I said, well, you know, this solution that I've been working with in the past that you haven't liked, that's the best I can that I can figure out. I've been very thoughtful about this. It's the best I know how to do. How would you solve this problem in the future, that you think would work for both of us?
And so we talked about that and, we worked out a plan. And, uh, we've, we've tried many things in this area and, uh, you know, some of the things have worked; some of them haven't. But there always, always needs to be this backup plan.
Well okay, that's great. We'll try that first, that's plan A; and this is plan B. What's plan C? What's plan D? Because, you know, obviously people don't always keep commitments. And so we needed certain consequences to occur. So we, we went through this and we, we made this plan. And by then we were both very satisfied, very confident in the plan.
And because this had been such a difficult conversation at first, before I had apologized, uh, with, with my kid, I decided to ask the Ultimate Relationship Question again, just to, just to gauge it. And, and by the time we had gotten everything smoothed out and we had this plan in place; I had apologized, we had a new plan for going forward. We were both very confident in the plan. And I asked, uh, on a 5-Star scale, how would you rate our relationship at this point? And, uh, this, this individual said, uh, it was, it's a 5! It's a 5! Things are great. I'm really, you know, happy with that relationship. So, able to totally smooth it over.
And it had been, it had been probably a few days, I think, that things had, had gone downhill a little bit before that. I hadn't asked the question at that point; I'm pretty sure if I had asked, it would it be a 1 or 2 at that, that dip.
So, the asking " What part of this could be mine?" The apology and, and coming up with a plan together. I think that was, um, it was extremely successful. I don't just think it was successful at it. By the end, it measured a 5. So the, the score, the metric there, the quantitative variable was at the top, it was at a 5. And so super, super happy to, to have that resolution and peace in our home.
And I hope that in your life and your, in your journey with these relationships that you have, that you can ask that similar question: "What part of this could be mine?"