WISE WORDS - Tyler talks with Michelle Melendez about her life, relationships, EQ and more. So much goodness in this feature-length episode! Here are some topic timestamps: 0:01:47 - growing up in truly rural Alaska 0:10:16 - leaving home for a wider world 0:20:56 - a 6-year-old suddenly enters her life 0:24:04 - abuse, growth & forgiveness 0:33:06 - change & rolling with the punches 0:39:52 - the blended family grows 0:49:44 - culture, communication, discipline, authority 1:06:40 - emotional intelligence, listening & being real 1:18:59 - nutrition, health, Lupus + a plug for Isagenix! 1:32:15 - creating 5-Star Experiences for your body You can reach Michelle via email at: isagenix.michellemelendez@gmail.com She's on Instagram at: michelle_isaqueen2019 Follow The 5-Star Approach on: • LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-5-star-approach • Facebook https://www.facebook.com/5starapproach • Instagram https://www.instagram.com/5starapproach/
“Nobody needed to worry about being left without or left behind... The empathy and understanding of the importance of human beings was very much something I just grew up believing was real with everyone... Probably the rudest awakening when you left was that's not necessarily true with everyone.”
Tyler Small: Hey everybody, today we have Michelle Melendez, a wife, a mother, an entrepreneur... and, uh, how did you describe yourself? "A girl with big dreams"?
Michelle Melendez: "Small town Alaska girl with big dreams."
Tyler Small: So tell us about that. The reason I wanted to have you on the show of course, is just because you have a unique perspective on life and you've done some really cool things; starting out with your heritage and the type of upbringing that you had. And then you moved on and you've done so many cool things. And I'm really excited to hear some of the tips that you give us on emotional intelligence, how we can hack emotional intelligence. From my perspective, you've become somewhat of an expert just via what you've accomplished in life, and where you're at and what you do every day with networking, making new relationships, cultivating your relationships all the time. I'm super excited to hear some of the stories that you have and some of the things that you've learned.
Welcome, Michelle!
Michelle Melendez: Wow. Thank you so much. That was quite an introduction. I appreciate it. And I'm really, really excited to be here today. So thank you.
Tyler Small: Thank you!
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. Yeah. When I say rural Alaska, I mean rural Alaska - off the road, um, you have to take a boat or plane to get to where I grew up. My parents still live there actually. Wow. Um, 300 people about population, um, fishing village. It was called Seldovia, Alaska, in the Kachemak Bay. Most of you will not know where that is at, but if you travel to Alaska, it's a very special treasure of a place that you can go and do, um, halibut and salmon fishing and just have a really nice experience of real Alaska.
Tyler Small: That's so cool. And whenever I travel, like I'm never looking for a tourist attraction. So that sounds like the kind of place that I'd like to go.
Michelle Melendez: Oh, absolutely. It is considered a tourist town in the summer, of course, but it's definitely the place to go, to not experience a tourist attraction. You'll experience small town Alaska at its most authentic.
Tyler Small: Tell us about your first job. Were you eight years old?
Michelle Melendez: I was eight years old, which was not unusual in a place like that to be working about that age. So, yeah, I was actually hired by a couple - that actually live here in Utah now - that owned a cafe called the Kachemak Cafe. And my dad and mom would take us there often to get our burgers and milkshakes. And honestly, they, they said, you know, we really need to kind of get bigger numbers, this coming summer, we need to do better, in order to stay open. And, you know, they were just brainstorming ideas of how they could do that.
And they approached me saying, Michelle, how would you like to meet with the tourists as they come in on the tour boats? [There was usually two or three boats that came in seven days a week, all summer long.] How would you like to meet them and hand out coupons and talk about our cafe and why they should come here on their couple hours in town, as opposed to the multiple other restaurants that would open up in the summer. And so, because I loved them and I loved the cafe I said, "Absolutely!"
Tyler Small: Wow. What a plan? What a strategy. Like, I can just imagine like - You were a promoter, you were a restaurant promoter at the ripe old age of eight.
Michelle Melendez: It's crazy to look at it that way. I just saw it as: "Wow, Dad, I got my first job," you know. And I think they paid me something like $5 or $6 a day and a double scoop ice cream cone. So I would show up at the restaurant at the end of the day, I would, you know, follow up with them about the number of coupons I handed out and, um, and they would pay me and send me off with my ice cream.
Tyler Small: So this is like, you were probably making more money than any of your friends.
Michelle Melendez: Possibly, but you know, there was a few of my friends at those ages that were already learning how to work, you know, on fishing boats and work with the family businesses.
So, um, it was very unusual by the time you hit 12 and 13 years old, not to be making a very nice paycheck in the summertime; this was normal. (This was normal? Wow!) Yeah. It was interesting because I never looked at it as, um, how I'm working with people, but for the first time in my life, I was going up to strangers by myself and creating a conversation about things that they could do in Seldovia and why they should eat at my restaurant before they get back on the boat at the end of the day. And I just think about it as an adult, that that must have been intimidating, but I don't remember feeling intimidated.
Tyler Small: It's incredible. So you're eight years old. What was it like growing up in a little town with 300 people, versus when you left, like, what was that, what was that like?
Michelle Melendez: When we were growing up there, we obviously understood that there was much bigger cities. You know, you'd watch movies and you'd see these big cities with the skyscrapers and the traffic and everything. But for us, it was our way of life. So I think that what was shocking for me once I left home at 18, was that people didn't understand us.
People didn't understand things like, um, you know, kind of hunting and gathering and chopping wood for the winter time and families owning their own businesses and working together. And you just naturally being a part of that because you're part of the family. Um, having job opportunities at eight years old, um, and really just being a part of the community that we were a part of trading fish for, you know, I don't know, vegetables, things like that, that, you know, In other places you could just go to the grocery store and get that kind of stuff.
Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, I think that, um, it was definitely, you grew up, I guess, sheltered in a sense from the ways of the world outside of a village like that. Um, and you, you know, you grew up with the same people from the time you were born all the way until graduation and our parents - My father, you know, many of the kids I grew up with there have generations of people that grew up with each other that were born and raised in Seldovia; and their parents were and their grandparents were. My family in particular goes back to when it was first settled.
Wow. So a lot of just heritage and these are your roots. Um, but. Our parents were always very good at exposing us to the idea that there are bigger things out there and you should go explore. Um, however, I do know that that was hard for a lot of people and some people came back just to say that was that's too much right now. I, I need to reevaluate myself and what I really want to do because. If there is a safety net, when you're in a little tiny, closed off town in Alaska, where you're around your neighbors and family, and (you grew up with) that you grew up with your whole life. Yeah.
Tyler Small: How much diversity is there? Is it pretty diverse?
Michelle Melendez: In my town, there was, um, more than other towns in rural Alaska. Um, and I really think that's probably because it was a fishing town. Um, so kind of the, the background of Seldovia is Alaska native and Russian. But you know, we have people that moved there from all over. There'd be people that would come to visit, and just fall in love with it, and decide that they were never going home. You know, people from Chicago, I know your wife's from Chicago. We have a family, you know, from Chicago that moved, that came for a visit and decided this is where we need to be. But yeah, there's a lot of diversity. I mean, I know myself, I have Alaska native, I have Russian, I have German. I have Albanian... Um, so it's, I always say that Alaska is the melting pot of the U.S. The U.S. is like the melting pot of the world; Alaska is the melting pot of the U.S. You have all sorts of people there, um, and all over the place. You'd be shocked. You'd travel to rural places in Alaska. You'd never heard of the place, but there'll be a large diversity of people.
Tyler Small: Interesting. So, when you were growing up in that little town, did it seem like everybody had their own unique cultures? Or did it seem like people ,once they were there, that they kind of blended in?
Michelle Melendez: I think that that was what was so awesome, is they did hold onto their own unique culture. Um, you know, people had different religious beliefs and backgrounds, cultural beliefs and backgrounds, and just basic family beliefs and backgrounds. And it was just kind of an understanding that not everybody got along. There was definitely some very interesting family fueds between certain families; and kids would be like, I don't know why our families don't like each other, I guess they just don't.
But you know, like, but at the same time you could have two men that just hated each other. But if one of them needed help, they would forget that for a second and they would help each other. And then they would go on to hating each other later. Nobody needed to worry about being left without or left behind; if you needed it, people rallied. And that was awesome. And the empathy and understanding of just the importance of human beings and, and you have to just - that was very much something I just grew up believing was real with everyone, which was probably the rudest awakening when you left was that's not necessarily true with everyone.
Tyler Small: Oh my goodness. So when you left, what did, what happened next? What was, what was that transition like for you?
Michelle Melendez: I mean, I think like for most 18, 19 year olds, the transition is crazy. You go to find yourself; to do all the things mom and dad didn't want you to do - you know, warned you about. To kind of be rebellious. And I definitely had my rebellious moment.
I was excited to leave. I was ready to leave. Um, when you turn 18 and graduated, you left if you were going to do anything beyond stay there and fish or work for the whatever family business that your family had going, which would almost a hundred percent of the people did at least try to do. And I went to UAF, um, the University of Alaska in Fairbanks.
I was just determined that I was going to get out and never come back. And I was going to make this big, beautiful life for myself. And that's when the real learning began of how sheltered I was just in my lifestyle. Learning how to, uh, go to the store and really just get what you need and not stock up for six months because I, because you didn't need to do that anymore; um, college dorm room doesn't fit a lot of stuff. But I, I, even, my parents did, you know, they dropped me off at the dorm and we went to Costco and got boxes of, I don't know... everything. And, uh, yeah, I started picking up quickly that, Oh, I'm not normal. I really do things differently than a lot of people.
And, uh, so there was a lot of learning curves and I think a lot of just, um, learning to accept the things about yourself and your family, and the way you grew up. And being all of a sudden, like, immediately forced into trying to learn and understand other people in a way that I never had before.
Tyler Small: Wow.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah.
Tyler Small: And you eventually went into the hotel industry, right?
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. So, um, I had quit college because I just, you know, I dove into college because, well, that's just what you do. You just go to college. But honestly, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
Tyler Small: Like many young people.
Michelle Melendez: Like many young people. And because my, my parents were so wonderful and supportive, but they were doing what most parents did, you know? Um, in the late nineties, early two thousands, you just go to college. Well, what for? You'll figure that out. Well, it was, it was my scholarships that I earned, but also my money that paid for it. My parents weren't rich. My dad was a fisherman and a basketball coach. And I was totally, I mean: of course, it's my life; I'm paying for it now. And it was halfway through my second year of college that I realized, like my money's running out. What am I doing?
And so I actually chose to step back and I got a couple jobs immediately and, um, made my way from Fairbanks back to Anchorage. And, um, there was a native-owned hotel called the Diamond Center Hotel that had opened up and people that I was connected to from Seldova were part of that project. So yes, I started working at the hotel, simply just to get a job because my big idea at that time was I was going to go be a hairstylist. I always loved hair growing up, doing hair. I was the one that did everybody's hair before the dances and things. And that's what, that's my big thing. I'm going to be a hairstylist.
So I was going to work at the hotel simply to earn enough money to put myself back into hair school. And the CEO of the hotel had known me since I was a child; and he came up to me and he said, by the way, you're never going to hair school. I have plans for you. (Oh wow.) And I said, Oh, ha ha, okay, whatever, you know. Um, I just started off as a driver - um, literally just hauling luggage and picking people up from the airport for the hotel. And he said, you're, you're you, you're going to be here for a long time, I I'm telling you that right now.
Tyler Small: Were are you offended by that?
Michelle Melendez: No, not at all, because I knew from him that was actually a big compliment. Um, but I was still very independent, and I was just like, Oh, no, he has no idea. Like, I'm going to do my best here. I'm going to take it as far as I need to take it to live out my dream: being a hair stylist.
Tyler Small: Did you tell him that?
Michelle Melendez: Oh yeah. And he would kind of laugh. Um, and what I learned is 10 years later, I was leaving the hotel for the first time and had pretty much done almost every job there other than, um, be the GM or anything like that. So, yeah.
Tyler Small: And did you consider being the GM?
Michelle Melendez: No, no, no, no. Managing the front desk for a time period was enough for me to realize that managing people I did not like. Working with people I loved; doing the events, planning, you know, managing the sales office, the events offices, the marketing. I loved that.
I don't like, um, telling people what to do and holding people accountable and being the boss, I really liked the teamwork and like: Hey, we're all adults here; I trust you to do your job, you trust me to do mine, let's go with it. And I just knew, I just knew that that's where I fit better. And, um, so yeah, I went from driver, to working the front desk, to moving into events, to moving back to managing the front desk to, as soon as I saw the opportunity to head up and manage the sales and marketing office, I, I took it and then I, that's where I stayed for the remainder of my time there.
Tyler Small: So you had a lot of time there to develop emotional intelligence.
Michelle Melendez: Yes. Working with people in the hotel business will do that for you.
Tyler Small: So, you'd had already had a lot of experience growing up with the tourists, working with different people there. What are some things that you did in order to be successful with a constant flow of new people... when things went bad or when they were mad at the hotel and they wanted a free room or whatever.
Michelle Melendez: Yes, yes. I'm working the front desks, just being the actual front desk clerk. Um, you learn really quickly that not necessarily the customer is always right, but that they just want to be listened to.
I've had people do crazy things. I've had people throw their cell phones at me because I didn't have the pricing exactly right as what they were quoted when they, you know, made the... 'cause they forgot about the tax or something. And it had to be my someone's fault.
And I learned really quickly that arguing, confrontation, um, was obviously never the outcome. Obviously our job is to welcome them and have them feel welcomed as a guest; to, to earn money for the business - you know, that's, that was a big thing, you gotta get that money. But I think that what I learned is if you just listen to a person enough, you can almost somewhat connect to what they're trying to say, as opposed to just hearing what's being said to you - which when it in anger is often not what they're trying to say, right? And that you, as hard as it could be sometimes, they had their case and there was some truth to it. And then looking at what you truly could do that didn't throw your job to run the business under the bus, but that would, you could truly do to try to accommodate them as best as you could within the rules that you had to live with and as an employee.
And that was often hard. And it often took talking to other employees, working with the housekeeping, working with the restaurant, working with the bar, working with your managers; and being willing to not be afraid to ask the questions and ask for help and work together and allow other ideas to come in.
Tyler Small: I just wanted to ask, how did you keep calm in those situations when somebody was throwing their phone at you?
Michelle Melendez: Yes. You know I, I attest that to my father. My dad was a basketball coach. And I, you know, I watched him in so many different situations and how he handled confrontation. Um, and he was also, um, helped with the chief of police in town. The chief of police was one guy. He had to run the whole town; which you think, Oh, 300 people, that's not a big deal, but it was... People do bad things. There can be bad people. And that can be scary when you're all by yourself. My dad was his go-to guy.
And so there'd be oftentimes I'd watched my father and how he handled confrontation. And one thing that I always respected about him is that he didn't take the human element out of situations, even where people were acting their worst. Somehow he would always look at them as a human being, treat them as a human being. And somehow, you know, hold authority. But still have somewhat of a respect for them.
And I really think just watching him, mimicking his calmness, his breathing... And recognizing that your strength really comes in your ability to stay calm in the storm. (Wow.) And so that, I don't know if that was just already kind of innately in me. Um, I mean, I'm not perfect. I have had my moments - you can ask my husband. But I've always had that ability to stay pretty calm.
Tyler Small: Some people don't have an example like that to observe in conflict. You said that he, the way that he breathed...
Michelle Melendez: He would breathe deep. Not like an exasperated breath, but yeah, he just, he would, he was relaxed his shoulders. He would even - when he would talk with authority and control and almost kind of a sternness, there would still be a calmness about, and. He was never scary. I, and I was never scared of my dad. The fear factor of "you will listen to me"... I mean, he would say that sometimes, but I was never really scared of him, because I knew he loved me. And I really think that's, again, what it's about: It's about being able, no matter how horrible this person is being to you, somehow still trying to see the human being in them, have somewhat empathy for them.
Which is different than not having boundaries. You can have your boundaries; you can be firm in what you expect and how you expect to be treated. At the same time, you know, not losing control yourself because that's really losing your power.
Um, so yeah, I actually, when the lady threw the cell phone at me, I, I took a breath. I picked it up. I handed it back to her. And I said, ma'am, I think you dropped this. Which probably made her more angry, but she ended up storming off. Um, her husband ended up coming and handling the situation after that... apologizing profusely. Um, I told him not to apologize to me because he didn't need to be in trouble with her later. But she did come down and apologize to me.
But you know, again, you just, what are you going to do? Are you going to end up in a fist fight? Are you going to somehow try to work the situation out and get yourself out of there as quickly as possible?
Tyler Small: Wow. So I want to jump to your experience when your son came into your life. Can you tell us about what that was like?
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. So Caleb was Maria's age when he came into my life. My youngest daughter, Maria is six years old and, um, it was with my ex-husband. I was pregnant with Cecilia, who is now 14. And, um, Caleb was my ex-husband's son and he came into my life because his situation with his mother was not a healthy situation; she knew that. Um, my ex-husband had actually had not had a relationship with him up to that point. So it was a new relationship for everyone.
But really what I saw in Caleb was, he was a child who didn't have anybody who's stepping up for him. And she needed him to have a safe place to be at the time. So he moved in with us. And, um, and that started my blended family - which was not a plan, obviously. It wasn't something I was aware of; it happened so quickly. But he was child and, and he was very much my family now. I was having his sister; I was married to his dad. And, um, that was, that was really, I feel the beginning of me having to really take myself out of certain situations and dive into understanding another person to help them grow.
It's one thing to have confrontation and learn how to deal with adults. It's another thing to take on a child that's already had influences and life in, you know, happen for them. And to now bring them into your home where you're not only the authority, but you're also the nurturer and the person who's raising them. And, and you're just meeting them. They're a stranger.
Tyler Small: Wow. So you were expecting. And you hadn't raised any children yet?
Michelle Melendez: No.
Tyler Small: He was six.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah.
Tyler Small: And so he'd already had a headstart on you?
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. And hecame from a world where he had to grow up very, very fast. He didn't have somebody who was, um, he had him as his mother, but she was not motherly. She, um, a lot of the things that you would just assume a mother does for their child, he didn't grow up with those things. He grew up putting himself to bed, brushing his own teeth, getting himself up for school in the morning at six years old.
So moving into my house where I was like, what would you like for dinner? And, Oh, let me look at your teeth when you're done. I need to make sure that you did, you brushed them correctly. And all those things, he was like, excuse me, lady. I don't know you. And I got this. And I was like, Oh, but you don't (because you're six) because you're six and I will be helping you with this. (Wow.) And we will learn how to respect each other. And that was hard because he did not like it. And I did not know what I was doing. So we just taught each other as we went. Yeah.
Tyler Small: Typically like parents have the advantage of like being able to make all kinds of mistakes before our children even remember what...
Michelle Melendez: Right. Right. And also being the main influence.
Tyler Small: Yeah.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah.
Tyler Small: So you had... Wow. Tell us a little bit about how he grew up, and what he's doing now.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. So, Caleb came from one of the hardest situations that a human being can come from. His mother struggled a lot with alcohol and drugs - and honestly, just going back and forth between having moments where she'd do great, have a good job and then be doing horrible; and not have even a safe place for him to sleep. Um, so there was just a lot of inconsistency in his life, his whole life, until me. And then boom: a lot of consistency that he wasn't sure he liked.
And then, um, you know, three years after Caleb moved in with me, my husband and I, my ex-husband and I were getting divorced and it was a very volatile divorce. My ex-husband, um, he was extremely abusive. And the abuse wasn't something that happened right away. It was something that escalated very slowly. And, um, it was one of those situations where I all of a sudden looked at my life and I said, Oh gosh, I'm in a really bad situation here. And we had done a lot of things, a lot of things to, you know, therapy and, and things to try to dive into us, but also why, why he had these, um, tendencies of physical abuse. He, um, was hiding pills. He was using pills behind my back. Um, and unfortunately it almost seemed like the more we tried to work, the quieter and more volatile and scary the abuse got.
And I think the hardest thing for me was I had these two little children. I was in a marriage that I thought was going to be forever. I was so young - he was a lot older than me. And I had, uh, you know, met him when I was so young. You know, I had, had got married and two kids by the time I was 22 years old. Wow.
And, um, and I honestly felt so stupid. Like how could you not see? I, I'm not the abused woman. I'm not the kind of woman who is abused. This doesn't happen to me.
Tyler Small: You don't have a victim mindset. Or you don't find yourself in situations where you're being taken advantage of.
Michelle Melendez: Right. And honestly, coming from where I came from... You know, everybody. The thought of somebody being highly manipulative, lying to you, which he did, he lied about - from the beginning he lied about a lot of things in order to woo me, to get what he wanted, which was for me to trust him, for me to marry him. And, and I think about it now, as much older: it happened really quick. But I was young and in love and, and I wanted a family. So I didn't think about that I was really being groomed.
Yeah, so, uh, one of the hardest things for me is when Caleb came from his situation with his mother into our home, I promised him: You will always be safe here. You're life of inconsistency and not knowing what happens tomorrow is over. We are going to love you. We're going to, you know, put you in church. We're going to do family dinners. Your life is going to be wonderful, I promise you. And any abuse you ever witnessed or suffered, it'll never happen to you again. That was my promise I made to him. Because obviously I believed that that was going to be the life that I, I lived in the life I provided for my children.
And the day that I left my husband, he beat me so bad, I ended up in the hospital. And he took the kids. And I was able to, through his sister, get myself up off the floor. She drove me to the hospital. She went and found my kids. And that was the beginning of a life that I promised him he would never have to do. And I think that as hurt as I was physically, I didn't think about it, because all I was thought is this child who already witnessed so much abuse and pain in his life just witnessed something I promised him he never witnessed again. And that was me getting horrifically beat by his father.
I felt like I failed him so much. And, um, because he was not my biological son I drove him to his grandmother's, his mother's mom who I'm very close with, was always close with. I told her what had happened. I told her that I'd been keeping all these secrets about my marriage and that it gotten to the point where I was actually scared for my life, and that I was now leaving him. And that I couldn't keep Caleb because he was not my biological son. And my ex-husband made it clear with me that, if I took Caleb from him, he was going to call the police on me. So I brought him to a place that I knew was his family, his biological family, where he'd be safe.
And he was crying. And I looked at him and I said, Caleb memorize my phone number and I will never change it. And if you ever need me for anything, call me. Because you are my son. You are Cecelia's brother. I love you. And I always will. And I'm still going to keep my promise to be there for you.
And he always called. Life was hard for a few years after that, but he always called. And it was when he was about 11, his mother's mother got guardianship of him. He called me and he said, I need out of my situation with my dad. I can't live there anymore. Things just got worse. Um, I picked him up, I brought him to his grandma's, she and I worked together to, you know, make sure that he would officially be safe from any of the mess that his parents were in. And from that point on really his grandmother and I just worked together to be there for him, raise him. Make sure that we were at all the school events. Make sure he had everything he needed.
And today he's actually working at, um, CITC in Anchorage, Alaska. And he's working with the native villages, and working specifically with helping people get vaccinations, and working with boards. And, um, he graduated early from college with his degree in neuroscience. (Wow.) And he's just one of the most fantastic people I know. Never used the excuse of his past to be anything less than he is today. So yeah, just, I mean, you would never know, you would never know that the things that we all went through - me, him and Cecilia.
And I believe that that's important, because we are not what happened to us. We are not our disappointments, and we're not our mistakes. We have to just take every situation and grow and learn from it.
And also forgive: forgive our mistakes and forgive what people did to us. Because all that hate and anger will do is just hold you back.
Tyler Small: Wow. I just think of, you know, it's so easy to just, even for things that are so much less substantial than those things that you just described - how easy it is to just blame our troubles on other things and, and let that hold us back and having known you for a few years now, I feel like you're a very positive person. I feel like that you bring light to the room whenever you walk in. And, and that, uh, I can see that you haven't let what happened in your past and what other people have done to you... You haven't been, uh, continually investing in the bad events of the past; but you're always invested in the good events of the future and being present in the now
Michelle Melendez: I try my very best to be. There's definitely been, um, situations in my life where I've realized that some of my fear or some of my reaction to somebody else or a situation, really stems from a past trauma that I hadn't totally allowed myself to face yet. But I think just knowing that is really the key to keep moving forward.
And I think something that I've learned, especially in my marriage now with Michael, you can always go to that person and say, I actually wasn't expressing what I really felt. And I apologize because I actually took something out on you that you didn't do. Let's go back, because I do have something I want to say to you. You know, I, I didn't say it too well before; I want to say it better now. But it's important. I need you to please hear me.
Tyler Small: Wow, those are some wise words. Can you say that again for our audience?
Michelle Melendez: ... To never be afraid to go back to the people in your life, and to say I did not handle that correctly, or I did not say what I was truly meaning to say. Can we redo this? Can we go back? Can I have another chance to speak to you about this?
Tyler Small: I love this.
Michelle Melendez: And also apologize. We've got to apologize, right, when we know that we handled something, not quite gracefully.
Tyler Small: I love that there's there is a replay button...
Michelle Melendez: Yeah, absolutely.
Tyler Small: ... if you build it in.
Michelle Melendez: Absolutely. And sometimes accept if they don't allow that. Be okay with that. If someone doesn't allow that, that has a lot more to do with them than you.
Tyler Small: Yeah, truly. Very cool. What's the next story you wanted to tell?
Michelle Melendez: Oh gosh. Um, let me think. Oh, I do think it's important. Um, talking just about taking the things that maybe we don't agree with other people. And if we don't agree with it, it's okay, but doing it differently. Such as, there was a lot of things my parents didn't do that I agreed with - especially in high school, right? My mom said: Hey, well, this is our house, our rules, and what me and your father have done for you is better than what was done for us. But that is your job: Your job, as a parent is to go out and do better and take the things that you didn't like and adjust them to what you think is best. And then now your job is to go out into the world and do better than we did for you. That's your job; that's your responsibility. And it's never going to be perfect, but you are not supposed to basically use the excuse of what we did wrong for you to do wrong.
Tyler Small: Your mom was from...?
Michelle Melendez: Seattle, actually.
Tyler Small: Seattle. And your dad was...
Michelle Melendez: ... from Seldovia.
Tyler Small: From Seldovia. And so what was it like? He had grown up in this native village, living off the land and stuff. And your mom was from Seattle and they got married and they were living in Seldovia.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah.
Tyler Small: So what were some of the things that you observed from your parents when it comes to like their relationship - and their relationship with you?
Michelle Melendez: Yeah, I mean, they came from two totally different worlds. My mother grew up in Seattle. My dad grew up in Seldovia. He grew up fishing, and learning how to shoot, and going hunting every fall with his father, and building, you know, and all of those things. Very self-sufficient. He was a commercial fishermen when he met my mother. Um, he was, um, down in Seattle and going out for a date with another gal to a restaurant my mom waitressed at. And my mom was his waitress. And she said that she saw this beautiful man. And she said, I shamelessly flirted with him, even though he obviously was on a date. She's like, but I don't apologize for it because look at what we ended up, we ended up being married. Um, but my dad actually dropped his date off at home, went back to the restaurant and asked my mom out.
They dated for three years before she got married to this man from small-town Seldovia, Alaska, and moved from the big city of Seattle, where she had big dreams to live in a skyscraper and work in radio, and it's just this hotty toddy... My mom was, you know, miniskirts and platform heels and city girl life, living in an apartment with her sister... To moving to this tiny little town with my father. Yeah.
And you know, when my mom moved in with my father, my dad's family was going through a very hard time. His mother was dying of cancer. And, um, his mother, my grandmother, Midge, she was the glue that held their entire life, family, everybody together. My dad loved his mother. Um, but being the oldest, when my grandmother passed, a lot of responsibility of their family, everything that she did for all of them was put on my dad, which also meant on my mom.
And they grew up in very different cultures. My mom's dad was from Albania. So she grew up in this very old school Albanian kind of like, like Old World way of how the house was run. If dad came home every night sharp at 5:30, that this is what they did: they ate their dinner; and then dad would put on his show and the girls would sit down in front of him, everybody - we are enjoying our show now; and then you will go and shower; and then you will be tucked in. And it was very, you know, he came from nothing and built this beautiful career, and, you know, took care of his family so well. But there was definitely a lot of, um, the social structure of my mom's family compared to my dad's family was very extreme in differences.
And so my mom had to just be thrown into a new culture, completely - not just within the family and the home that she was now living in, but within the town itself. Um, she says that she remembers people talking about her because she would dress up every day and she'd wear her heels and her, you know, skirts and her hair... And people would talk about how ridiculous she was and how she's never gonna make it.
And now my mom and dad post pictures on Facebook of them walking up the mountain to chop down wood. And my mom's pulling the wood down with my dad. And I mean, she's so amazingly strong and powerful and tough, but also so nurturing and motherly and just a beautiful woman. But yeah, they, they had to learn each other. And I watched my entire life my mom and dad go through the growing pains of marriage. And they definitely weren't explosive in front of us, but they didn't hide the fact that sometimes they didn't get along. And I've watched them both grow so much. And I think, through my parents, I've understood that you can always grow in your understanding and your beliefs in your appreciation of the people around you; and respect that other people are growing, too.
And they, they deeply love each other. And they've stood by each other through some very horrible, hard times. And, um, and they've always loved us. So there was always a lot of security and love and trust within our household. Even if we didn't all get along, we could at least end the night knowing that we don't get along, but I love ya. And we're family. And we're sticking together.
Tyler Small: I heard the word, this word growth, and it seems like a theme through some things you said, like you're always looking at the development path, the way things start out isn't always the way that they finish, either for better or worse sometimes.
Michelle Melendez: Right. I mean, we can all do our best to create a plan and do all the right things to make sure that that exact plan happens. But often God has different plans for us. I've always told people, when they hear about my past marriage: "Oh, that's horrible. I'm so sorry that that happened to you." But I am not because look what I got out of it. I have this beautiful son that I, has contributed so much to my growth in my life. And he's a wonderful brother to my daughers, Cecilia and Maria. And I have Cecilia. And I, and I learned so much in that marriage. And so you can't skip - You can't skip things. And things aren't always going to be what you, what you thought they're going to be. Um, but I feel like happiness comes from rolling with the punches, really. Happiness doesn't mean you're happy all the time, and that everything that happens to you is happy and pretty and perfect. It simply means that you recognize that, really, life itself and the blessing of being able to live this life is truly beautiful and, and a gift, you know?
Tyler Small: I would agree. You have a positive attitude. I love it. Um, just the lens that you look at life through.
Michelle Melendez: Thank you.
Tyler Small: If you would tell us a little bit about your husband, Michael, and, uh, how you guys came together, the different backgrounds that you faced...
And for our audience, I want this, I want you to be able to see how this can apply - all these experiences that Michelle has had with different people. Imagine if you will, that somebody that you work with could have had very different life experiences than you. And could be coming into a situation thinking that you're the one who's not normal and not realizing that they're the one that is not normal, or maybe you are the one that's not normal.
Michelle, if you can just tell us a little more about Michael's background and your background and how you've learned to live together and be so happy together.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. I mean, it's been a process as well. We've been married for... seven years? Yeah. And, um, we were only dating for a year before we got married. Um, and the whole time we were dating, he lived in North Carolina. And I lived in Alaska, so we met, um, he was on leave. He grew up in Anchorage, Alaska. Um, he's younger than I am. Um, he's five years younger, so there was never a time before we met that we actually crossed paths or anything.
Um, but we met at an event that I was hosting with a bunch of friends, um, for the American Cancer Society. So through my marketing and sales and job, and I was very involved at that point with the Chamber and all sorts of big, you know - the businesses was gathered and we'd host these events and it was called the 12 bars of Christmas, um, where we would go for 30 minutes to each bar, and all the proceeds and everything that were, you know, put into the bar would go to the American Cancer Society.
Over 200 people were at that pub crawl. And the funny thing is, is Michael was there along for the ride with some friends, just because he heard the word pub crawl. And I was there very much in a business professional state. So I was, you know, enjoying myself, but to the point that I could still be professional, network, you know, meet people and do a good thing; and he was just having the time of his life being a soldier on leave.
And, um, he approached me, which is it's so funny. Um, he approached me and yeah. And you could tell he was kinda nervous. But Michael's very handsome, he's very tall, very athletic. And I quickly could tell that he, if he wasn't younger he definitely had a different maturity place than I was at at that point in my life - which is true. I was, you know, my two older kids, Caleb was like 14 at that point; Cecilia was like seven. So I'd already lived a very different kind of life than he had lived up until that point. His life was military and party and friends and good time and not thinking much at all of the future.
And I just told him, I said, you know, you seem like a really nice guy. But I just don't think I'm what you're looking for right now. I just, I think that you're looking for something else and it's definitely not me. And he said, no, I just... He says, you're just so beautiful. You seem like a really smart person. I just want to talk to you. And, um, so I feel kind of bad because I, I said, you know, if you want to talk to us, why don't you just go get me and my girlfriend - my coworker - get us a couple drinks, and we'll talk. But really I have a lot going on right now. I don't have time for this. And he was like, OK! And, and...
Tyler Small: He took that as a yes.
Michelle Melendez: ... he took that as a yes. And I was like, this guy is relentless, you know? And he was walking across the room bar to get us a drink.
And my girlfriend said, He is so handsome. Why don't, why don't you give him a chance? And I said, watch: Every woman at that bar turned their heads to watch him as he walked by. And I said, that is not what I need in my life. I do not need this. This is not what I, I had been single for a long time up to that point. And I was really in a good, solid place. I was not looking for anyone to mess that up. I, my, my important things were my kids, my family, my job, that's it. I was happy with that. And he, you know, yeah.
So basically, um, he had taken my phone at some point throughout the night - and this was before cell phones, I guess, had passcodes and things. But he had put his phone number in my phone; called himself from my phone; and then he walked up to me and he said, Hey, you left this on, you know, one of the tables. I said, Oh, thank you.
And he said, Oh, by the way, he said, I know you don't want me to bother you anymore tonight. He said, but I do have your number. I'm going to call you tomorrow to ask you out on a date. He said, if you say no to me again, I will accept that. And I said, okay. Okay.
Tyler Small: This could have terrified you at that point. Right?
Michelle Melendez: Well, I mean, I, I felt that he was kind of being pushy up to that point, but I really took it as he just kind of an immaturity... At that point, I was good enough at reading people. He wasn't a creeper, but he was just like, this is just a young guy who's used to getting women to do whatever he wants them to do.
Tyler Small: By the way, we should tell, so what - did he look roughly the same as he...
Michelle Melendez: I mean, he did, but think about Michael at 25. So he was even more slender. And he was doing all the rugby stuff at that point. So he was just all like muscular.
Tyler Small: He looks super muscular now. Like, he looks like...
Michelle Melendez: He was definitely more Playboy back then. He kind of had like, you know, what they do where they like do the designs and the hair and, you know, like the really nice Playboy looking; like Polos... To me, he just looked like a very, well-dressed very, well-groomed very muscular college dude. That's what he looked like to me. And in a way he kind of was, yeah, he's very big and he's very handsome. He was very handsome. And he just seemed so nice. There's, it's impossible to read Michael as anything other than just a nice dude, because he is a nice dude, you know?
He did ask me before he left me with my phone, he said, by the way, who are those kids on your screensaver? Are those your sister and brother? I said, those are my children. And he, he just, the first time he got this look on his face of like sheer terror. And I was just like, yeah, he's never gonna call. He's never gonna call. Cause you know, these were older kids at this point and I think he was kind of looking me up and down, like how old are you?
But he texted me the next day. Once again, I said no. And um, then it was - he had told me already that he was going to be in town for a certain amount of time. And I don't know why, I just couldn't get this guy out of my head. I couldn't get his smile out of my head. At that point, all my girlfriends like, honey, you need to let yourself be, you know, taken out treated well, you worked so hard. Why not?
So I texted him on a break I had from work one day and I said, listen, I actually have a 30 minute break, which never happens. If you want to take me out to lunch or dinner, this is your moment. And he was like, let's do it. Let's do. I mean, he responded right away and I found out... He was in the middle of a basketball game at the club. And I guess he had just gone for a water break and he saw his phone ding and he picked it up, and it was me. And he had me - cause he was visiting, he didn't have a car - he was like, I'm playing basketball. Can you come get me? And he wasn't too far. Of course I acted like was a big inconvenience. Okay.
Um, but we had the best lunch. And we had the best conversation. And I thought to myself, Oh no. No. I... No! This guy is going to come into my life and I don't want it. I like my life. And he told me when he left back to North Carolina, he said, I'm going to call you. I said, you really don't have to. I really enjoy getting to know you. You're a great person. But I really think you deserve a young gal your age, who is where you're at in life. I think that I just am at a different place. And he said, I still want to call you. And he called me every single day. Every single day to talk. And that's how we got to know each other. And then if he had three days off, he would fly to Alaska, to get to know my kids, to take me out, to, you know, go for hikes, to... Really, he was just along for the ride of my life. Because I was like, well, we always have something going on. So if you're going to be here this weekend, there's a kid's birthday party. There's a work event. You can come with me to it if you want.
And he did. (Wow.) And. And six months later, he's proposing to me on a family hike on top of a mountain.
Tyler Small: Wow.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah.
Tyler Small: I love mountains. That's, that's a good place.
Michelle Melendez: It was a beautiful place. It was very perfect. And the crazy thing about it, this is when I knew he was the one, because he had asked my kids - my father, of course - my kids' permission. He asked Caleb's and Cecilia's permission; they both said yes. And they both kept it a secret from me. It's probably the only secret they've ever kept for me. And they kept it for months. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that they knew about this. And, uh, yeah, so that, that started our new blended family of my son, who is not my biological son; my daughter; Michael; and then we have a daughter together, Maria.
Tyler Small: And you then went to North Carolina.
Michelle Melendez: Yes. So me and Cecilia went to North Carolina. Caleb actually moved to Indiana. So we were all kind of moving at the same time. He had an aunt and uncle in Indiana who owned, um, a medical, um, like a little clinic. And he, at that point already knew that medicine and, you know, doctor and all of that was kind of in his future. So he had an opportunity to live with them and kind of learn the trade, and he went there. And we went to North Carolina. And we lived there for three years before they actually stationed us back in Alaska as a family. Um, so yeah, it was this huge just life change that a year before that none of us would have ever thought was in our future, but it was kind of like this opportunity presented itself to all of us.
And, um, and you know, really the hardest part about blending our family was that I was already the head of house. I was everything. I was the provider. I was the mother. I was the one that did... I was everything. There was no - my two older children, their father is not involved in any way. There was no child support, none of that. No involvement.
Tyler Small: So how did that change? So I wanted you to tell us about like how Michael's family goes...
Michelle Melendez: Yes. So Michael's Puerto Rican and he spent up until, I think he said seven or eight years in Puerto Rico before he was moved to Anchorage, Alaska with his mother and sisters. And was mostly raised in his years by his grandmother, who... Um, a lot of the culture - she was very religiously Catholic. So a lot of days where Michael was like, I mean, we basically lived at the church. Every day was church! There's church for this, there's church for that there's... And he grew up in a very different way than I did.
Um, a tradition, family values, were very important to me. But I did not grow up in a church. I grew up where I learned about loving God just through my mom loving God; and then just sharing her love of God with us, just through things like prayer and just watching her, I guess, just as a human being. Um, it was never from a religious aspect; where he grew up very religious. And there's rules and there's - because we're Catholic, we go about things this way, from everything: from how we are in our marriage, to how we raise our children. And, um, you know, when you get married, you take two completely different mindsets and backgrounds and homes, and you somehow have to create one home with it.
And, and I brought in these older children, who were like, who are you? Like, you can't tell us what to do, you know? Um, and yeah, and, um... Really, I think with Michael and I, I, my biggest struggles, I had to learn to respect where he came from while still helping him understand that me and him as a couple were allowed to change the way we went about things with each other. And it had nothing to do with anybody else's opinions or thoughts on it, or even just how we were raised.
And one of the biggest things I would say to him when he would, especially when it came to the way he would discipline his kids, the way he would talk to his kids or the way he would handle conflict with us is I would say to him, when people did this to you, how would it make you feel? And he would say, well, horrible. Or he would say, well, I would just not tell them the truth. I would lie to them. I would put on one face for them, and then I would be another way. And I said, well, I don't want that with you. I want complete honesty, transparency. The only way for us to be truly connected as if we have that with each other. So obviously that way doesn't work. Can we think of a different way?
Or I will admit, I would say I found this way, can I talk to you about it? This seems to be more effective. And really the, you know, we as a couple - and I will give him so much credit in the amount of growth he has made in his own personal outlook and mindset about empathy and love, even for his own kids. That just because he's dad doesn't mean he knows everything. They might have their opinions and thoughts on things. It's okay to allow them to speak that. And really the way kids learn respect is by us respecting them and the people around them and each other in our marriage. And so really he had to go back and relearn almost everything when it came to communication.
Tyler Small: He was telling me when you guys were over and you were talking with my wife, Peesh, and, uh, we were downstairs hanging out with the kids and stuff. And he was telling me about his father, who was a Marine. And, was it? His grandmother, she would get the...
Michelle Melendez: The switch. Yeah. Yeah!
Tyler Small: She would go out in the yard and get a, uh, branch, a green branch from the Willow tree. And she would come back in and, and, and how, how that was. And it was very, it was very strict and it was...
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. He went from one home where he grew up in his younger years where, you know, discipline was the switch. And he said the worst days were when you had to pick out your own. That's when you knew grandma was really mad, 'cause now we had to pick our poison; which was going to be a switch, but it's like, Oh, which one's going to hurt worse... um, but you knew it was coming no matter what. (Yeah.)
And then moving to Alaska - his moved him back to Alaska with her and her, when her new husband, um, they were already planning to get married. So all of a sudden he, you know, grew up with his mom and grandma; and then mom left for a couple of years to establish herself in a better place in Alaska for her children and then basically call for her children to come to Alaska; and then, boom! Here's your stepdad. And you're going to be in the wedding and we're all going to be a family and, you know... Culture shock. And then, you know, uh, a different form of discipline, but still very much, almost like a shaming form of discipline because his dad was a Marine. A lot of stand-at-attention and screaming in your face. And you will listen to me. I don't care if you don't think it's best.
Tyler Small: That's hard enough for an adult who's enlisted voluntarily into the military, but for a child...
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. And you know, and his mom was working a lot. And, um, you know, they're both, both his mom and his dad are such wonderful people. But something that Michael's had to tell them - which I know has been hard for Michael and for them, they've all had to go through their growing pains of the, that part of their relationship - is that, no, what you guys did when it came to discipline and how you, how you didn't allow us kids a voice, because we were just kids... That wasn't right, and that's not how I'm going to raise my daughters. And that's not how me and Michelle are. Um, I do know his family loves me and I love them very much; but I do know they were kind of scared because they were like, this woman, she, you know, she doesn't know her place. And I don't know if she's gonna respect Michael being the head of household. And for me, respect means we work together; for them, respect means there's a hierarchy and you better just accept it - which is not how I am. (Right.)
And I think the big shocker for them was there was a moment where I called a family meeting because I wanted to express some things I was concerned about. And I learned very quickly, something that I thought was healthy and honest and gathering us together, knowing that we might not all get along in this, but we're going to be able to voice our thoughts and come together stronger as a family...
Tyler Small: So how did it go?
Michelle Melendez: They left feeling completely offended because I was not in my place. (Oh, wow.) Yeah. And in fact, they didn't talk to us for a couple of months after that because Michael stood by my side.
Tyler Small: That is awesome though, for him.
Michelle Melendez: Yes. And that was hard for him. It, because really in his family, I wouldn't have the right to do something like that unless I was like on a grandma level.
Tyler Small: Oh my goodness.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. So, and I didn't know that. Um, and I can honestly say that over the years, the one thing that I and Michael have both learned is as long as we are strong together - they are our family, they love us. They're going to come along. But this is our marriage. (Yeah.) This is our family. (Yeah.) We have to stand by each other. And we also have to know that we are firmly together in all things. We have to talk about things, we have to... we have to both be really okay with where we're going. And if we are, then no one else can infiltrate that? You know, no matter how much we love them, no matter how much we respect them, they can't infiltrate that. They can't mess that up.
Wow. And that's been a test of his family. Because my family is a lot more like: You know, Michael, you messed up. That's my daughter, but you are her husband. I respect your marriage... That's my dad's voice. He's very diplomatic like, that is my daughter. I love my daughter. You better do right by her. However, I respect that you're her husband. This is your guys's marriage. This is between you guys. Like, unless it was something volatile, like abuse or something - my dad and mom are not going to really step in a whole lot. They'll call Michael or they'll call me and they'll say, Hey, listen, I love you guys. And I have something to say to you, but it'll usually be separate. And it won't, it'll be like this between you and me, Michael. Like my mom will talk to Michael about things and unless Michael gives her permission, she won't come and tell me everything later. There's a certain respect there.
And, you know, um, and it was different with his family. With his family I found out there was a lot of times that they were very angry at me and I had no idea. And I was sitting there giving them hugs and they were loathing me in that moment, I find out later. Because you just don't talk about it. You just pretend it's all OK. And the one thing I can honestly say they've learned as a family is I think they even as individuals have learned how to be more open and honest, at least with us, cause they realize that I'm not going to let them get by with not being open and honest.
Tyler Small: That's awesome. It's taken some years, but its - that's a huge change.
Michelle Melendez: Huge change. Yeah.
Tyler Small: So I think about different types of relationships a lot, and how like the differences and similarities between like relationships with our children, relationships at work, relationships between couples... and this idea that you talked about that like, "Hey, this is our relationship.
Like we were going to do this our way. We can make whatever rules that we want to make for our relationship." (Right.) I just feel like that's something that we could do in lots of different relationships in our lives.
Michelle Melendez: I absolutely agree. I think that's something that we do unconventionally - probably more me than Michael. It's been an argument with us that even though Michael and I are mom and dad and we're married, there are a few moments when sometimes your kid has to come first. Um, there are definitely moments when I've stepped in, especially with my oldest daughter, Cecilia, and Michael, because, you know, he came into her life - she was seven, eight years old - um, where I've had to step in and pull him aside and say, Hey, you know, now you're not handling this right. I don't think so. Step back a second. Think about it and come back when you think you've gotten control of yourself.
Tyler Small: How did Michael respond to that?
Michelle Melendez: At first he would be so angry: No, I am the husband. That makes me the Lord of the House. How dare you disrespect me in front of her. She will never have respect for me if you talk... And I said, but she has depended on me solely her whole life to protect her, to support her. And in this situation, you are very wrong. And I would never chastise or talk down to him, but at first he thought me just being honest with him was talking down to him. And, I have had to learn when moments where I needed to step in right away in front of her and say: Hey guys, separate for a second. Let's come back in a minute. Why don't you guys think about what you're really trying to say? And really just kind of like pouring out everything I was thinking in front of her... I've learned how to kind of pull him aside and say, Hey honey, mom and dad are going to go talk for a minute. We'll be back you wait here. Or I'm going to talk to daddy and then I'm going to talk to you. And then we're going to do this over. You guys are going to do this again.
But now Michael understands totally that in order for his daughters to feel confident in expressing their voice and their boundaries with other people, they have to feel safe with expressing their voice and boundaries with us. And there is a way to teach them how to respectfully do that. Don't get me wrong. There's times when my teenager will say something and I'll be like, ah, don't forget: I'm your mom. So tell me what you're trying to say, but say it differently because I'm going to freak out. Yeah. Like you're about to see, you know, like it's not going to be okay... Okay. You know, and I will, I'll give them like, do you need a minute? Or are you okay? Are you ready to tell him, "Watch yourself! I'm the mother still." But I do care about what you want to say to me? (Yeah.)
And there will be times where I say, I've heard you. I understand, but I've still made this decision because it is my job to do what I think is best for you. And when you grow up and move out, then, hey, good luck. I, I, I hope that I've done all I can to help you have the tools to make your own life decisions for yourself. But we're a family. We all are affected by one another. So me as your mom - or this is your father - and you know, we've decided this. And so I'm just hoping that you will respect that whether you like it or not.
And you know, there's, it's really so much about, I think your words, you can say that I'm your mother and I'm hoping you can respect this, whether you like it or not. Or you can say, I am mother. And what I say is law, and I don't care what you have to say. They really kind of in a way mean similar things. But I feel like the, the way it's put out there is different and you're going to get a different reaction.
Tyler Small: Well, one's more open.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah.
Tyler Small: One of them you're, you're like, Hey, we can talk about this, but we're going to talk about it in a respectful way. And the other is like, I'm not going to hear what you're saying.
Michelle Melendez: Right, right. Which is really what Michael grew up in. And it's funny, I'm, I'll never forget a conversation he and I had, when I said, are you treating them, your daughters this way just because you finally get your chance to be the one to have the last word. (Yeah.) Or is this really how you feel? And, you know, he kind of, of course his defensiveness says, No, this is really how I feel.
And I said, well, I have a hard time believing that because I know you love them. (Yeah.) And if you love them, you would never want them to feel degraded or sad or, or like they were this horrible human being because you don't agree with them. And he, you know, my husband to all of his credit is a very kind person; and that kindness makes him stop and put his ego aside and he'll go back and he'll say, okay, I'm sorry, I was wrong. I should not have talked to you that way. But, I'm your father. And I have some things say to you. And he'll go back and he'll do it again.
Tyler Small: Once he's calmed down.
Michelle Melendez: Once he's calmed down. Now that was, that took years. But I also had to learn how to speak to him in a way that allowed him to hear me. 'Cause there was a lot of yelling at first, like what the heck, what's wrong with you? Who do you think you are? (Yeah.) And I had to really learn how to speak to him and how to respect him. But also once again, don't forget the human in there. Don't forget the man that I love. That is who he is - the core of everything that I fell in love with, the core of the person that makes him so warm and, and, um, comfortable to walk up and give a hug to... All those things about Michael that make Michael, Michael. Those good things in Michael. That is Michael. That is the core of him.
I really feel like when it comes to anger and aggression, any of those things: that's not who a person is. That's a reaction of hurt and pain and trauma. Even with my ex-husband; he didn't beat me up and do those abusive things because that's who he is. I don't believe that at all. It's because of his own stuff that he never faced, never handled. And, and the outcome of it is something that it was what it was. But I still to this day, do not believe that's the core of who he is. I just don't.
Tyler Small: That's so cool. I think about whenever somebody becomes a parent or they become a leader or they get a little more authority - they gain another project under their stewardship, whatever it is that there's the opportunity then to say, well, now that I have the say, I'm going to pound on, you know, these other people I'm working with. But to be able to say, Oh, like, no, no, no, no, no. That's, that's not who I am. That's not what I really wanted to do here...
Michelle Melendez: Right. And I really think that the need to be an authority over others usually comes from you having been in a place where people we're authority and controlling of you. So it's almost like I can't wait till I have my moment and maybe it's even done very, um, unconsciously, like you're doing it and don't even realize that that's probably where it's coming from. Because I truly don't believe that people who have a confidence and a self-love about their own selves really care too much about lording over others. I think that naturally goes away, the more you just become okay with just yourself and you don't really need the validation of authority - you know what I mean?
'Cause really, is there such a thing as authority? There, there is hierarchies in certain situations. But I've even had bosses who were way above me and my title at different businesses I worked with; they were my team member; their job that was to kind of a run and manage at a bigger level. But ultimately their management was going to fall apart if they didn't trust the people, under them to have a voice, to express their concerns and thoughts and to do their job correctly without being micro-managed, you know? (Yeah.) So same thing with family, really.
Tyler Small: Yeah. Yeah. So we've gone through some of your experiences as a child, as a parent, at the hotel... Can you tell us a little bit about what you've learned about how to, how to hack emotional intelligence as an entrepreneur?
Michelle Melendez: I really think that the most important thing from an entrepreneur is no different than, you know, learning and to understand others within a family, within a friendship, um, is listening before speaking.
We all want to be heard. All of us - it's natural, I think. We naturally want to be heard and we want to tell our stories. (Yeah.) But how are we ever supposed to truly see a person's soul, like on the soulful level - which is really the core of a person is their soul - how are we supposed to see that if we're too busy telling them what we think or telling them what to do or having, you know, the lead of every conversation?
And asking questions. Because none of us knows everything. And I think the biggest thing that I had to humble myself and do, was understand that I can actually change the way I think about certain things too, based on observing and learning from others. That, um, I can change how I think about things. And I can even change a little bit of my opinion about things. And to not be afraid of that, because I think as a society, if you stand for something and then you change your mind because you grow, when you learn, people tend to shame you for that.
Tyler Small: Oh my goodness, this is so true. I, um, in a previous episode, I was talking about this book by this Harvard researcher named Adam Grant, and he talks about this exact thing - how like our society is like, Oh, like, if you change your mind then that's not, that's not good. That means you're stupid.
Michelle Melendez: Right. Or you're wishy-washy did you really stand for anything before?
Tyler Small: Yes! So it fights against our ability to have a growth mindset and to be open and flexible and learning new things.
Michelle Melendez: Right. Right. And I think that it, you know, and it's an all aspects. It's in, you know, your personal life to maybe how you parent to how you are in your marriage... To you know, your job and maybe you stand for certain beliefs and things in a certain system at your job; but then you have done it a long enough and worked enough with other people that you're like, Oh, maybe the system is, it needs to be looked at; their right, you know?
Even just, you know, I've been a part of a couple different churches. And we found a Catholic church that we loved. The pastor was wonderful. Some of our closest friends went there. Um, and then we would do, you know, group stuff during the week. And I felt comfortable enough in the group at that point - I'd been there long enough, they were all my close friends, people I truly felt safe with. And one of the things they said is that we need to remember that our belief system is the only belief system. That all other religious belief systems are, are just going to mix you up and get you on the wrong path in life. And, you know, and I have so much love and respect for the woman that said that. And it's funny because that's not who she is. She's actually an open, warm, loving open-minded person when it comes to other people and their life and their beliefs.
But she was, she was preaching. And I actually said in the group, I said, but no, that's not true. We can't believe that we're the only ones. 'Cause then we have to assume that if our belief system for our religion is the only one, then all people of all other religions are lost. And I don't believe that. I don't believe that at all. I can't, I don't think that that's what it means to know that God loves all people. (Yeah.) And they kinda got quiet. But it turned into a discussion and it could have gone south... I could have probably never been invited back to the group.
But you know, it is scary. It's scary. It's scary to be willing to say, you know, I've actually changed my mind about some things. And I actually look at things a little differently. I mean, gosh, politically let's not even go there. People change their thoughts and ideas about political stances and it's like, they have somehow committed some treason against a group of people. And their friends who've known them their whole lives will suddenly not be their friend any more. (Oh yeah.) That is crazy to me.
Tyler Small: If a politician changes their mind on an issue then...
Michelle Melendez: Well, then they were a liar.
Tyler Small: A flip-flopper.
Michelle Melendez: Right. And I'm sorry, but I just don't believe when we're talking about emotional intelligence and human beings in general, I don't believe in black and white. 'Cause if you believe in black and white, then you believe that people can't change; that you believe that addicts can never be, um, have peace and find hope and growth in their life; that you believe that somebody who's made a mistake can never be clean of that mistake. And that's just, I'm sorry, but that's just, that's the one truth I know is not true, right? We all have chances to grow and thrive. To say that, well, if you're thinking of me as the person I was 10 years ago, then that's like you're walking into a different house. I don't live there no more. That's not me anymore. You know what I mean? Like I've moved. Come over here, join me. You know what I mean?
Tyler Small: Things I'd done socially, you know, 10 years ago just just make me my skin crawl.
Michelle Melendez: Right. But thank God we had those moments because how would we ever become better? I mean, I've had so many moments that I used to say: If I could go back, I would never have done that. What a huge, horrible mistake. I was such a, such a mess of a person. But then if you change that one moment, you wouldn't have all the great moments and growth moments in between. So I say now that I would never go back and change anything, but I definitely go back and evaluate it. I go back and think about it. Sometimes it's just as simple as I was just young and stupid.
Tyler Small: Yeah. And we learned from those things and we, we hopefully can, can change who we are.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. Yeah. And really, I think, I always feel that the more I grow, the more I become closer to who I always was.
Tyler Small: Like, you're true self?
Michelle Melendez: Like my true self. Like sometimes there's things about me as I get closer to 40, that remind me of thoughts and things and dreams and beliefs and faith and hope that I had when I was five and six before the world messed it all up, right? Before you started questioning hope and faith and, and belief in yourself and started having insecurities and started judging people.
And you go back to that little you - really, the core of us has those things in place, the belief system in place, to be so open and loving and non-judgmental. And so hopeful, not just for others, but for yourself. And forgiveness. Think of how quick our kids forgive. (Oh yeah.) You know what I mean? They could have a bully shove them down the ground; the next day they're best friends. (Yes.) So yeah, I almost feel like the older I get, the closer I get back to this, the core of me, the way that I believe God created me to be for whatever he wants me to do in this world for my time on this world.
Tyler Small: I love it. That's deep. Um, I feel like just knowing you too, like it's, it seems like you have this truthfulness to yourself. You have this youthful energy and you don't think as much about, Oh, like how someone else might judge you or...
Michelle Melendez: It's different than not caring what other people think. It's more understanding that not everybody is going to like ya. And not, everybody's going to agree with ya. And that has to just be okay. But I think that you can only not worry about that if you're being as honest about how you are as possible. Um, don't fluff things up, especially with things like social media; like when, when you're working, to your job, when you're dealing with people, when you have a job that has you constantly connecting with other people.
Be real because that's what they're going to connect with. They're not going to connect with an image or something beautiful or fancy and seems unattainable. They want to see you in the Zoom call not looking so fabulous all the time. They want to see the laundry pile on the back of the room. They want you to have that day where you say, could I have a few extra minutes? I'm actually having a tough day with my kids. I need to breathe; and then I can be present for you. Can you can do that for me? Um, they need the moments of failing because we are human. We are failures. We are not perfect.
Tyler Small: I was reading something about Superman... Superman was this perfect being and like never made a mistake, like perfectly strong. And I mean, he had the kryptonite thing, but that wasn't like due to his, that wasn't due to his own his choice. So, like, the success of Superman was relatively very tiny, I guess, compared to the success of all these other superheroes that have these character flaws.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. And trials and tribulations and imperfections. And, you know, again, I feel like it's the same as if you really read the Bible. People that, you know, when you're younger and you hear short stories of certain characters from the Bible, they were all very beautiful and magical and perfect. But then when you really dive into their story, there was so many flaws and failings and, and things that were almost appalling. Like, no, they did not do this. That's not true. But then to see kind of like the growth of their story and the path back to being more honest and, and the forgiveness that came in that. And all of those things. I mean, it's the same thing everywhere, but like, how are you supposed to believe that you have the ability to grow and learn and be someone that you love, if you don't recognize that we're all in that same walk, you know?
Tyler Small: Yeah. That seems just critical to remember for each person that we work with. When we're trying to grapple with things that offend us, things that annoy us...
Michelle Melendez: Yes, yes. Especially, um, I'm in the health and nutrition type of business. And it's not for everybody because usually people come to you and they want to know what you can help them with, but they want you to give them a quick fix, an easy answer. And often they really just want to tell you how much that they can't do things and they want to vent. And in a way they don't even realize it. They think, well, I made the call, I tried, I looked at it. And you're like, wait, you came to me.
So often people are just looking for an answer, but they don't realize it's a journey. And that's where you have to find forgiveness for that person and recognize that they took the first step; they made the call. I can't tell you how many people will call me six months to a year later and make their first committed order and membership with me.
Tyler Small: What did they figure out in between?
Michelle Melendez: I think that one, it takes most people gettin' to the point that they realize that they have to dive in. And two, I think that... Social media used to drain me. It doesn't anymore because I try to be totally real and authentic; but I also don't put everything out there. You know, I, I do put the good days, the bad days and things in between, but I do keep it focused on just the consistency of lifestyle.
Like, Hey, doing this and drinking my shake, goin' to the gym, spending Saturday at the horse ranch with the kids. And it is a consistency and they see that and they're like, Oh, she's not some super woman who has a quick pill she can give me so I can be super woman. She's a mom, she's a wife, she's a human being. She has days where she's tired and exhausted. She has days where she looks like a hotty toddy mom, and days where she looks like a hot mess mom. But what she's consistently doing is committing to this nutritious and healthy lifestyle so that she can maintain all this stuff. Well, I see now I just have to commit to these little things every day so I can slowly reach my goals. (Yeah.)
It's really just representing an honest, true self. And eventually those who are really ready to make little changes... they'll know it and they'll call you. And it's, it's funny because they'll go from wishy-washy, to boom! Do it today. And you're like, Oh, do you want to talk more about this? Do you want to revisit what we talked about a year ago? Nope. Nope. Let's just do it. Let's just do it. Okay.
Tyler Small: They've figured it out. They've denied the need for putting good things in their body...
Let's just do a quick plug. I want to do a quick plug for you. Michelle represents a company called Isagenix: I S A G E N I X. Peesh loves these and uh, she started doing the smoothie drinks and stuff. And she puts a bunch of frozen fruit in with it and stuff. And so I'm like, well do I get some? She's like, well, you know, this is my meal. I don't know...
Michelle Melendez: I'm stingy with mine, too.
Tyler Small: Can you just make a little more. So she shares them with on a daily basis. But it's, it's very good. And, uh, and I highly recommend it. So if you're looking for, um, holistic solutions for your health, give Michelle a call. We'll put some contact information in the description.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah, I think that the best way to reach out to me is, um, really, if you have Instagram, which most people do. Or you can email me, um, let me, let me look up. I just opened myself an actual business email. I was using my personal for a long time. And then I finally was like, this is just getting too complicated with all the school stuff and everything this year.
So my email is Isogenix period michelleMelendez@gmail.com. So Isagenix is I S A G E N I X dot michelleMelendez@gmail.com. And you can go ahead and email me. Um, I do have a website and information I can send. But really in my business, um, I much rather directly either chat or directly FaceTime or Zoom with a person, because we do have like our core products that people use for all different things from basic daily nutrition needs to weight loss, to some people are looking to gain weight and muscle. Um, we have all different products based on your needs. And, um, I like to talk to people and get an idea of what, what are you looking for? And mostly, what can you commit to? What can you commit not just to your budget, but to your lifestyle? What's your day look like? And then that gives me a better idea of exactly what products I can send you to, you know, to look out on my website - cause it can get exhausting looking at everything.
Tyler Small: Yeah, I can just say a few things about it. Um, so with Isagenix it's like a lot of their solutions are just very quick. It's a shake. And so if you're looking to be really healthy - there's a ton of just really garbage drinks that you can buy out there. But, um, my wife studied nutrition, her bachelor's degree. She's always extremely picky about what's what kind of chemicals or organic things are in her. And she has, she will look at something and just she'll tell me in like less than a second, she'll be like, Nope. And she'll just look at the, and then like, Why what's wrong. I was showing her something the other day and she was just like, Nope. And I was like, well, how how'd you even read the whole thing? She just knows. But she, uh, but she, she loves these things. So clearly it's passed the Peesh test.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. Which is, I love that she loves them. I have so many, I find my success because so many of my customers just consistently purchase every month certain products that they just love that have contributed mostly just to providing them with better, more pure, easily absorbed nutrition, then you can get, um, from making it on your own. Definitely not from restaurants. Um, a lot of my customers are really people that just buy the shakes to replace their lunch. They were going out to eat every day. They're stuck in an office. Um, the shakes are a super food nutrition; one meal in a shake. It's got all the calories, they have probiotics, vitamins minerals that your body requires for a meal.
And, um, and it is so trustworthy. It's clean. And, um, a lot of my customers are people that are very savvy, like your wife, and they like it because they're like, I've been looking for something and I couldn't find it. You know, there's so many companies that claim to have healthy, trustworthy products. And if you really look at the ingredients, it's not.
Tyler Small: And compared to going to restaurants, like, of course it's a lot healthier. It's so much less expensive.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. It's about $3 a shake if you actually break it down. Um, and honestly our biggest marketing that we do is, let me tell you what it's done for me, and then you give it a try. Tell me what you think. If you don't like it, that's okay.
Tyler Small: And you have lupus, right?
Michelle Melendez: Yes.
Tyler Small: Which is a crazy... If you're listening to this, if you don't know what lupus is, it's this, isn't it like your body attacks itself?
Michelle Melendez: Yeah.
Tyler Small: It's completely debilitating. And your body, it says, if any of these things come into my body, I'm going to totally freak out, and you're not gonna be able to get out of bed today, right?
Michelle Melendez: Basically, yeah. I've been through it the last six years. Um, something about my last pregnancy triggered the lupus. And I do have a lupus antibody in lupus, anticoagulant... it's a blood clot disorder, basically. And, um, so yeah, I can almost tell you if something's good for you or not because my body will react extremely. I will have extreme fatigue. Joint pain. My eyesight will actually go. I'll never forget the day that I woke up and I couldn't see. I freaked out. I thought that I was blind. It was really just a bad day - flare up. Um, I'll get a rash all over my face. Um, and it comes in different forms; and sometimes all at once; and sometimes in different ways at different times.
And it is triggered by your nutrition. It's triggered by stress. It's triggered by any major changes sometimes in climate. Traveling can be pretty hard on me. And so I've had to just learn in my life how to manage it with things I can't control right? There's things that you just can't control. Like sometimes the days are going to be stressful with the kids and that's going to stress me out and I'm going to wake up the next day with a serious flare up. Can't always control that.
But I wanted to see what can I control? And he so much of what we control really is our nutrition. Um, we, we never think about our nutrition until our body forces us to. Which is sad because if we thought about it earlier, we would be able to actually avoid so much disease and so much hurt and pain in our bodies.
Um, and I, yeah, this company, I've been using their products religiously. Every single day for two full years. And actually just yesterday, I had, uh, an appointment with my rheumatologist and we still have a lot more tests to do because, you know, it's, it's a constant - you have months where you're doing great and then you have months where you're not. And I haven't been doing so great the last couple months. And so they have to do some extensive testing to see exactly what autoimmune disorder has woken up inside of your body. And their biggest concern is the anticoagulant to make sure I'm not creating clots.
But yesterday's appointment was so exciting because the first time in six years I left a rheumatologist's office, I left an oncology office with my doctor saying that all of my blood work tests for like my vitamin levels, like all my vitals, basically my organs, my bone density, my electrolytes... it wasn't just good. It was like, they were freaking out. They were like, What are you doing? You're like off-the-charts good. You're like, like you're-never-gonna-die good. Like if it wasn't for your auto-immune disease, you would be like the pillar of health.
And I was just so excited because never once have I left one of their offices without being told... yeah. It was always, like, your body's not absorbing vitamin D - and I was already supplementing, well, you need to supplement more. Or you're extremely anemic. Or you have horrible deficiencies here, here, and here. Or, or, you know, you're, you're creating inflammation because of your nutrition, we can tell by this test; you need to change your nutrition. Your inflammation is just gonna to go off the charts. You're going to have all these problems.
And, and the one thing they actually told me yesterday for the first time was that we, we can tell you now that any inflammation that you have on your bad days are definitely not being triggered by your nutrition. Because all my sugar, you know, my blood sugar levels, like all of that was just as perfect as you could possibly get. (Amazing.) It's amazing. It's amazing to have something like lupus, because that's almost impossible to achieve because your body already struggles to absorb things anyway. Um, but this nutrition really is made for your body to absorb it.
So, we aren't what we eat; we're really just what we absorb. So if we're absorbing crappy things, of course, we're going to feel crappy, look crappy - and worse is going to happen later on in life. But there's oftentimes we're eating good things, but we're not absorbing the nutrition from it. So it's really almost like eating nothing. So if you're eating good things, you need to make sure you're eating clean and pure enough things that your body is able to absorb it well, and it's the, it's the way it's created. It's the way it's made. Um, their scientists, their doctors that work for our company spend a lot of time and research on that.
And obviously it's working for me. So that's just what I tell people. I can only tell you what it's done for me and what it's done for all these other people that enjoy it every single day. Try it.
Tyler Small: So let's talk about our relationship with our body for a minute. What can we do to have a better relationship with our body?
Michelle Melendez: Yeah. Um, I've been not only personally exploring this over the last few months; um, but very publicly talking about it on my Instagram. My Instagram, by the way, is Michelle underscore isaqueen - I S A Q U E E N - 19.
And, um, you know, I, I post workouts, but I also post a lot of very, just raw testimony on just my personal mindset struggles. And I did get COVID in December and it took me out; and it triggered a flare up that lasted for up until just very recently - a flare up I hadn't experienced in a long time. And you know, when you do so much to do right for yourself and your body, and it just isn't working for you, it can be very frustrating.
And I had to switch my mindset about my body. And I used to think, gosh, my body is sick. It's a defect, body -it's got lupus. It's never, I'm never going to be able to achieve the things I want to physically. Um, I would talk a lot of hate about my body. Why, why is this reacting this way? And I had to switch my mindset into understanding that my body - all of our bodies gets us up every day. Our heart's pumping, our blood is moving. Our brain is absorbing and thinking and working and growing - without us even realizing it. 24-seven. It does it 24-seven for our entire lives. It, we are blessed with feet to walk on; with arms to hug with; you know, just a brain to think and absorb and to create.
And I realized that my body every day, because of my auto-immune disease is fighting a battle - a battle that I am not even totally aware of the extent of what that battle is like. Yes, I have flare ups. Yes, I, I see the repercussions of living with an autoimmune disease. But what my body's doing on the inside to get me up every day to keep me living, to keep me around my family, to keep me experiencing life is beyond anything that I can even understand. You know what I mean? Like what I'm doing is really just the surface of what this beautiful... honestly, like, machine is doing to keep me going. So I had to really just thank it.
I actually speak to myself every day. I speak to my body, and I say, thank you for your power and your strength. Thank you for the diseases and the sicknesses and illnesses and injuries and things that you are, are working to recover when I'm not even aware of it. (Yeah.) Thank you, just for the powerful, beautiful work that you're putting in so that I can get up and experience another beautiful, wonderful day we call life. (Wow.)
And again, this goes into just the vanity part of it. You really just got to love what your mama gave you. You got to love it. It's unique. It's not like anybody else; even twins have things that are different about them. (Yeah.) So you really just have to appreciate the good that you have; and really just stop looking around you at the society or your neighbor or your friend and see the things that they have working for them; and just appreciate what you have. And then, and then the good things that are working for you, like nurture that.
Tyler Small: Wow. Talk about emotional intelligence: Gratitude being grateful, forgiveness, forgiving... Forgiving our bodies for not being perfect all the time, but being grateful for what they do give us...
Michelle Melendez: It's funny, you're saying that that's really what it's all supposed to be about, right? Love forgiveness, gratitude. You know, you always see those inspirational quotes on social media, right? Like it's all love, love is the greatest power on earth. But really, it's kind of true, right?
Tyler Small: Yeah. Okay, so tell me this: We're talking about emotional intelligence. Um, and I talk about three different types of 5-Star Moments: 5-Star Experiences, 5-Star Apologies, and 5-Star Thank yous. So we talked about the second two. How can we create a 5-Star Experience for our body?
Michelle Melendez: Hmm. I think that to create a 5-Star Experience for our body... I know that this is my business... You've got to feed it right. You've got to put good nutrition into your body. You've got to understand that even though we are a soul and then a body, and that our souls is what goes on in our body stays here... That when our soul's inside our body, it's connected. (Yeah.) And how you treat your body does affect her soul. (Wow.) Your body is one of the most beautiful gifts that God's given you.
It's a gift that you get to walk this earth in. So treat it like it's a gift that your grandfather left behind for you. You know what I mean? Treat it like it really is something so special; and it has an expiration date; and you can damage it. And, um, and so there's really at no, no age can you start doing right by it? Um, I even tell my girls like, yeah, you're young and you bounce back quickly. But no age is too young to learn to love and appreciate and respect your body.
Tyler Small: You know, you said that, treat it, like if something your grandfather gave you. Your grandparents did.
Michelle Melendez: They did. Oh my gosh. They did. I was thinking almost like an heirloom, but it's true.
Tyler Small: You are a product of...
Michelle Melendez: Like, I always tell my girls if they ever... especially my teenager: um, she says there's something about herself she doesn't like physically. I'm like, excuse me, I made that. That was made inside of me. I, I, that's a part of genetics that is a deep line of beautiful people. So you better just love yourself. Love yourself.
Do you really want to look like this person? You're not that person. You're you, you know... Like, yeah. I don't know. Um, the 5-Star Experience for a body is really just how you overall just treat it. Sleep; get your sleep, right? Laugh. I don't know. Put on your lotion. You know what I mean? Just like do those little things...
And it really do no that I think the environment and the people and the things that we surround ourself with it does, it does affect everything. It affects our body. It affects our mind. It affects our soul.
And, um, you know, you're allowed to kind of take count of what's around you and say this isn't serving me. You know what I mean? I need to protect myself. And to definitely allow others to say that maybe their environment and their situation isn't serving them either. Like we're all allowed to make those decisions for ourselves.
Tyler Small: I love it. I feel like this conversation about how we can have a better relationship, be more emotionally intelligent about our relationship with our body... I feel like this conversation can serve our learning about relationships and learning about how our bodies respond and how we treat our bodies and how it feels. That can educate us on our, our other relationships; understanding different types of relationships I think helps us across the board.
Michelle Melendez: Yeah.
Tyler Small: I just loved this conversation. Thank you again to Michelle for sharing your stories and your wisdom with us. And I appreciate you as a committed mother, a driven entrepreneur and enlightened observer of the human experience and a great friend.
Please join us next time for another episode of Hacking Emotional Intelligence. See you next time.