RELATIONSHIPS THAT FEEL LIKE BATTLES? Do you feel some of the people in your life are on an opposing team? Tyler extrapolates from a rewarding experience when he chose to cross the line from resisting to collaborating. Follow The 5-Star Approach on: • LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-5-star-approach • Facebook https://www.facebook.com/5starapproach • Instagram https://www.instagram.com/5starapproach/
with Tyler Small
… This can happen in any type of relationship, when you realize you may have been digging in your heels and deprioritizing the relationship for something else. When you prioritize the relationship, big things can happen. Big things can change. And it is the most wonderful thing to happen.
Hey guys, it's Tyler again. And I just wanted to talk about conflict today. We have a conflict culture. If you look at, out of any 10 movies of recent releases, how many of them are basically set up in the context of one or more people fighting against one or more other people. Either it's a legal thing or it's a violent battle or it's some kind of us against them. Even sports can be seen as, oh, it's, you know, good sportsmanship... And at the same time, you know, you're typically hoping that someone on the other team is injured and so on, right? So. It's a very us versus them mentality.
I feel like we live in a conflict culture in general. We have this orientation in lots of the things we do. So capitalism in general - I'm not saying that we should not have capitalism - but we're often thinking, okay, well, how can we beat the competition? We think of things in terms of this battle that's going on. I think that that's an interesting analogy and I think that it's very real and relevant and practical to think of things in those terms.
And, at the same time, with our relationships, things should be different. With our relationships, if it feels like a battle, then we're probably not using the best approach.
I remember before we finished our basement, my wife and I were talking about potentially finishing our basement; and I was using the basement for storing lots of climbing gear and camping gear and hiking gear that myself and our five kids would use to do these wilderness adventures.
We'd go out at least once a week, sometimes two or three times a week or more. And if we got wet, if our tents and sleeping bags were a little damp, then we would bring them out and we'd lay them all over the cement floor. Things would dry out down there, and we could just throw it out on the floor there, and then we could come back in two or three days and clean it up. It was really nice to have that transitional area there.
We also had the treadmills set up. And I had built down there a climbing wall. Uh, It was only eight feet tall, but it was about 50 horizontal or lateral feet wide. And I had kind of a monkey bar set up and I had these boards with handholds all over them. And it was this really fun thing that I did with the kids. We had these anchors set up in the ceiling so we could practice rope work. It was basically a little climbing gym down there. And we also had two treadmills that we used a lot. So I use this space a lot for that.
And at the same time, my wife said, you know, I think it would be good if we had a little more space. We could use the master that we were currently in for our bedroom, she said we could use this as like a school room or a playroom or whatever. And we could have our own space down there. You could have an office. And our kids would just have more room to run and play.
So we talked about this for about a year. On and off, back and forth. And I didn't want to spend the money. I didn't want to give up my space. I didn't want to give up my gear storage space, where I could quickly grab the gear and shove it in the backpacks. And we could all pack and unpack. And I had the kids trained where to put their stuff when they were done with it. I thought this was the greatest thing ever, and I didn't want to change it. I didn't think that I needed an office. And my wife thought that we did.
So literally we went back and forth, and she really felt like this was the best solution. And I did not. I failed to see that for a long time.
And one day I just realized, Oh my goodness... What's the worst thing that could happen? Well, our income sources could fail and we could run out of our cash reserve and we could be out on the street. Out on the curb.
I thought, you know, I'd rather be out on the curb with my wife - and have her trust me and feel my full support - than be fighting against her all the time.
So I took a deep breath and I asked, Would it be a 5-Star Experience for you if I just said "Alright, let's finish the basement; let's do it your way." And she said, “Yes - yes, it would!”
And as soon as we had made that decision, I just felt this huge weight lifted off of me. I'd been struggling. I'd been digging my heels in. I had been resisting what she really wanted most for our home. And as soon as I just said, you know what... This isn't going to kill me. I'm going to just choose to be okay with this. It just - the weight lifted, everything just released. And I was able to feel like I was on the same side as my wife.
So to go back to the sports analogy - let's say, the football field: it was as if we were on opposing teams; that she was playing offense and I was playing defense. She had this great idea. And I was saying, no, no, no. And we were pushing and pushing and pushing. And maybe she'd make a little ground or maybe I'd make a little ground...
Also it reminds me of in World War I, there was this trench warfare; it was terrible. If you've ever read stories about it or watched documentaries - just terrible. They'd struggle for week after week and make very little net progress. Push forward a little bit and a bunch of people would die; and then they'd push back a little bit and a bunch of people would die... And get caught in the razor wire, the barbed wire or whatever. A lot of people dying of sickness. And they had mustard gas. It was just muddy and wet; cold during the winter. Disease was running rampant. There were rats and mice and it was just very disgusting. Very demoralizing, very unhealthy situation. And for what? For what? For a few hundred feet of ground over the course of months.
And I think that's often how it is in our relationships, right? That's how I visualize it. But as soon as I got onto my wife's side, it was just so amazing as that weight lifted. I felt like I was coming around - instead of trying to push her team down the field further, I felt like we were now on the same team. And that we were able to carry the ball together and score a touchdown.
And in the long run, I think that it would have been okay if we would've had to file bankruptcy or whatever, but that didn't actually happen. In the long run, what happened was she designed this beautiful layout; and there was a reading nook; and there was a little place for the treadmill still; and there were shelves for our books. And she ended up having a little office/closet, where she did her thing. And she built this beautiful little, very simple office for me, where I also keep my few clothes. The whole space ended up being this suite where we had our new master bedroom, master bath, and all these little amenities. A window - big window, even though it's a basement; plenty of sunlight coming through there. And there was even this place that worked out really well to put all the gear - this shelving system...
It turned out to just be the most perfect setup. Our kids are not allowed in our space. And so it created this privacy that we had never experienced before. It's this clean kind of sanctuary, where we rest and recuperate from our parenting efforts. And it's a place where I can work and record podcasts, record training courses. And just have a lot of peace and a lot of opportunity to just, just get my work done. And, and that was part of her vision: a place where I could get my work done without having the kids climbing all over me and coming and pushing the buttons on the computer. And trying to do the homeschooling in the same room as my office - trying to be on a call while other people were screaming and yelling...
So all this has been a tremendous benefit for us. And looking back, I was able to finish my first book and write my whole second book and publish it. And design courses, and do the podcast here, and make a lot of connections - have a lot of important meetings down here. It's just been really, really valuable.
So looking back, I mean, not only did we not end up on the curb - which I decided at the time would be, you know, a place where I could endure. But it's been oh so much better. And the feeling that I've had in being so united with my wife - in giving up something that I thought was more important - has just been wonderful.
This can happen in work relationships. It can happen in a relationship with a significant other, with a neighbor, with a child. This can happen in any type of relationship, when you realize you may have been digging in your heels and deprioritizing the relationship for something else. When you prioritize the relationship, big things can happen. Big things can change. And even if it hadn't turned out so well, just the comfort and the decrease in stress, the increase in the quality of life that occurred has just been magnificent. And if you haven't felt that before, it is just the most wonderful thing to happen.
I'm not a person who naturally came into this world valuing relationships. I feel like, looking back, I've had somewhat of a detached personality, and I really had to develop a value for other people. I really had to develop an understanding of what a relationship could do for others - and for myself. For the dynamic, and for us accomplishing our goals together. And it's been, it's been a wonderful thing.
So I encourage you to consider the analogy. Consider the world we live in, the conflict-oriented society that we're in. And consider how you can get on the same side of the line, how you can join up. How you can team up with someone who you might be opposing right now. And how you can get on the same page and push in the same direction as them in order to get that ball down the field and make a touchdown. In order to win the war together.
And it's not always possible. It's not always possible. But it often is possible on an issue by issue basis to say, okay, well, what is an issue that we can join up on? What is an initiative that we can join hands on, and push it through and bring some success for all of us. What's something that we can do together to make the world a better place?
I hope that as you ask these questions... As you reach out to people who may have considered the enemy or someone who you should be struggling against... As you're able to perhaps struggle with these individuals and struggle together for the common good of each other. I hope you're able to bring value to each other in new ways.
This is Tyler Small wishing you to be well.