STUBBORN! We’ve all been there. Can you appreciate an opinion that’s very different from your own? In this episode, Tyler considers the potential connection between being stubborn and not respecting the opinions of others. Follow The 5-Star Approach on: • LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-5-star-approach • Facebook https://www.facebook.com/5starapproach • Instagram https://www.instagram.com/5starapproach/
with Tyler Small
... So I basically said, you know what, I'm not going to do this assignment. Is there something else I can do? And he said, no, and if you don't do this assignment I can't pass you in the class. I said, well, that's fine; if you're not going to teach me anything else, then I'm going to retake the class from someone who will teach me something I don't know.
Have you ever had a stubborn moment before? Have you ever just really not wanted to do something that somebody else wanted you to do? Or not wanted to listen? Or not wanted to go along with an idea? Not even wanted to acknowledge the idea?
Well, I had a stubborn moment of my own. I was just thinking about this moment today because it was in grad school and it was a big decision that I made that I've come to regret. And I've thought about it over the years many times - it's been just over 10 years, I guess since that moment. Just today I've decided yes, I 100% regret the decision that I made at that point.
And I remember sitting across the table - I was in the office of one of my professors and he had this assignment. And to me the assignment was so rudimentary, so underneath my abilities. In my mind, I was thinking I've done this before extensively in the undergraduate part of my education. I had studied the topic for hundreds of hours, and it was this assignment that would have been just so easy for me to have done. And I could have probably accomplished the whole semester's work in probably a week, along with the other studies that I was doing without putting anything else off.
But I was just so stubborn about it, because I felt that this professor should have been teaching me something new should have been teaching me something beyond what I already had accomplished and learned about. I was paying money to come to grad school to learn something beyond, something more advanced. And yet we were at this very rudimentary step - and still to this day I look back and I agree with that part of it.
So I basically said, you know what, I'm not going to do this assignment. It's the term assignment, and I'm not going to do it. Is there something else I can do? And he said, no, this is the assignment, and if you don't do this assignment I can't pass you in the class. I said, well, that's fine because, if you're not going to teach me anything else, then I'm going to retake the class anyway from someone who will teach me something I don't know.
This was a very prideful thing to do; very stubborn. And I ended up retaking the class; at the time, the way the grade system was set up, you could retake a class and replace the old grade. So it didn't affect my grades.
But looking back... I just thought, you know what, I've been going through these mind experiments. I mentioned the guy that I run with - super good friend of mine now - and, um, and we've had all these conversations; and we do these thought experiments; and we talk about our assumptions and... In having these deep conversations for mile after mile after mile, as we're running - sometimes in the mountains, sometimes down, you know, a long trail - that I'll come to realize like, Oh my goodness, like this thing that I've always thought is merely an assumption. And people who think differently, I come to this greater respect - and not just the way that, uh, my running partner thinks differently, but people who think more or less extreme. It's this idea of drawing a line and saying, this is my assumption; this is what I've come to believe about my interpretation of the data here.
And then I think when we're stubborn - what I did to the extreme in this moment of grad school, when I determined basically to fail a class because of my stuckness. Is it, as I said, you know what, I'm drawing the line here. And this is what I believe to be the most correct, the best thing. And anyone who believes to the right or the left too far of that line, I'm not going to respect that as a viable opinion.
And I think that's the trouble, right?
The solution though, I believe - and if I could go back to that moment, I would do this - the solution is I think, to realize that if I have the right to believe... I'm talking about, is like a spectrum: there's two polar opposites typically of any particular part of an issue that you can pick at and say: Is this thing red or blue? Is it right or left? Is it high or low? Is it dark or is it light. Is it hard or is it soft? We can often draw out this spectrum, this one dimensional spectrum, on any particular specific thing.
And so my point on that spectrum where I say, Oh, well this, you know, I think it's more blue or I think it's more red... My right to hold an opinion, if I believe I do have that right, I should equally respect others' right to hold an opinion. And especially if it's not the same as my own. Because if I am justifying myself in my ability to interpret the data and make a choice about what I believe, then I should respect other people's right to interpret the data differently and to make their own choice about where they decide to put their point down on that spectrum.
So if I were to go back and sit with that professor and have that conversation again, I think I would say, you know, I disagree with you and I, and I was hoping that you would teach me something more than these rudimentary, basic ideas. This is graduate school. At the same time, I respect your right to choose the curriculum. You're the one with the PhD, and you have a busy schedule and you've determined that this is the most valuable curriculum for the average class member. And so here I am and I'm going to do it, although I don't see much value in it - I've already gone through these exercises and done these thought problems and created this sort of product that you're asking for.
But I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it anyway, because we're going to go along, down your rabbit hole here. And yeah, probably I could be more tactful than I'm being right now, even right. But then I'm going to go do it and I'm going to see if I can learn something more; and I'm going to try and gather additional value through the process; and I'm going to try and respect you as the instructor for the course; and I'm going to participate and try and be positive about the experience and, and not, uh, not, not drag the the environment down; not drag others down by my choices.
Even if I were so, uh, facetious and direct, and, you know, disrespectful, as those words I just used, right... I still could have gone along with it. And I think that would have been a better experience. I spent a whole semester, and I could have also taken this other class the next semester as I did, as he knew I was going to do. And I think that would have been much better.
Now, of course, one up from that would be to be more humble and respectful. I could have been so much more agreeable and cooperative. And as I talk about this even more, I'm thinking yep, yep, he definitely deserved that. And if I could go back... I've apologized, of course, since then already; I apologized for acting so silly. But I haven't quite gotten to the point where, if I was in that situation again, where I'd happily say, you know what, you're right, I'm gonna go through this experience and I'm going to happily do the project and I'm gonna appreciate it for what it is. And I'm going to respect your right to choose the assignment.
It took me a long time to get there. This was my, I believe my most stubborn moment in my entire life. Now, my wife may disagree. She may say I've had plenty of more stubborn moments since then.
My challenge for you is to identify your most stubborn moment. What has been your most stubborn moment, either in your lifetime or recently. And think about that line with the extremes on it. And ask yourself what, could you possibly have a greater amount of respect... If you have the right to choose your opinion and interpret the data that you see, then could the other people in the situation have the right as well. And granted they see a different data set, maybe some of which overlaps with your observations and the supposed facts that you have learned.
Do these people in fact have the same right to an opinion that you do? And if that's the case, then could you potentially give a little more respect, could you potentially give a little more of yourself to cooperate, and go through that experience with a little more humility and a little less stubbornness?
It's my hope that as I give you this challenge that I as well will go forward through my life with more humility and much less stubbornness. And, uh, I leave you with that. So I'll see you next time.
I'm Tyler Small, and this is Hacking Emotional Intelligence. Have a great one.