“THAT’S RIDICULOUS!” - Has anyone asked you to do something that seemed completely ridiculous? What did you do? Tyler has a few ideas for using such moments to build the relationship. Follow The 5-Star Approach on: • LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-5-star-approach • Facebook https://www.facebook.com/5starapproach • Instagram https://www.instagram.com/5starapproach/
with Tyler Small
... Granted you're looking at maybe, in your mind - it's 1% a good idea and 99% a bad idea, maybe, in your mind at this point. But the purpose of it is not to tell them that you agree with them, or that you want to do it. Those might not be true at all. The purpose is to build the relationship.
Tyler Small here on Hacking Emotional Intelligence. I want to talk about something ridiculous today.
Sometimes someone at work asks us to do something that's just totally ridiculous. And that can put us in a really defensive mode because all the sudden the blood leaves our brain - it goes to our larger muscle groups. We'll go into kind of a fight or flight mode and we become defensive. Even if our body language doesn't betray us, which it typically does; and even if our tone of voice doesn't betray us, which it typically does; the arguments that we're going to have at that point that are going to flood into our mind are going to create this this adversarial conflict based aspect to our relationship. And it's going to create this fight, right? The other person is no doubt going to have their own reasons - whether those are good reasons or bad reasons, whether they're stupid or intelligent, true or false, the other person will have reasons. And the more that we push, the more they'll push back.
So what's the solution? I have two questions that you could ask.
But before we get to those two questions, I think it's important to validate that we are, that we're not confused. Sometimes saying "I'm confused" - sometimes that gives up some of our power; sometimes that can create a bad personal brand. So I don't advocate saying "I'm confused" and then asking questions; or saying " I'm not sure I understand", or "Can you help me understand?" I don't really like those questions.
But the first thing that I think we need to do is to show the person that we've heard them and point out possible reasons why this thing could work. And that helps us open up. It helps us create a bond instead of a fight.
So for example, if someone said to me, Tyler, instead of doing your work on a laptop, I want you to use clay tablets. I could say, I hear you. I, I understand that the clay tablets have a place, and I'm here to help out and contribute. I want to make sure that I do that in the best way possible. I can see how clay tablets would help me be more thoughtful about the types of ideas that I write down. They could be more visible from a distance if I wanna write large things and show people across the room. I'm sure there's lots of other reasons why clay tablets are making a big comeback these days. And I don't know all the reasons. But I was wondering, you know, what are we trying to accomplish by making this change?
So that helps the other person: ask the other person to basically clarify their intent. What in the world is going on in your mind back a couple of steps. What are we trying to accomplish? Or what problem are we trying to solve here?
Those are two questions - after you've shown the other person that you've heard them, you understand the suggestion and you can see some value there, some merit. Granted you're looking at maybe, in your mind - it's 1% a good idea and 99% a bad idea, maybe in your mind at this point.
But the purpose of it is not to tell them that you agree with them, or that you want to do it. Those might not be true at all. The purpose is to build the relationship. The purpose is to help you show them that you care about them. You respect their right to have an opinion. And that when they propose an idea, you're going to search it for whatever good that you can interpret that you can extract from there. And those are all things that build a relationship, that build trust.
So the next question you can ask - after, What are we trying to accomplish here? What problem are we trying to solve? And if they say, well 'cause I think it takes too long to write things down on the laptop. Or because we're planning on discontinuing our internet subscription. Right? That's a different conversation, opens up other things. And then, yeah. And then if you can appeal to your company's values or the other person's specific values, the strategic objectives of the company... And say, Okay, well, I want to accomplish that.
I want to make sure we accomplished this. I want to make sure we solve this problem together. If they say, Well, our Internet's being cut off, you might go into that a little bit. But basically the next question is, How am I supposed to create the reports for you if I don't have a laptop to use to access the software.
That asks in question form for their help to help you solve this problem that they're creating for you. It gently pops it back over the fence into their court so that they can then become a partner in solution finding. And also it helps from a non-combative methodology; you're coming at it from their side as equals and asking them for help to solve this.
It's very different than just saying, well, that's not going to work because of this; or I don't like that idea because of this; or your solution stinks. All of those things of course would be less effective.
So asking the two questions. What are we trying to accomplish here? Or, or what problem are we trying to solve? Right? That's the first one. And the second one being, well, how am I supposed to basically accomplish this other priority, this other thing? How am I supposed to exemplify or demonstrate the company values; or how am I supposed to execute on the strategic priority or on my task or my goal - whatever it is - without my laptop. Asking that in a very genuine, very tactful way.
That second question, by the way, I got from Chris Voss, the international hostage negotiator in the FBI; he wrote the book, "Never Split The Difference." I've talked about that before, but wanted to give him credit there?
Hope this helps you hack your own emotional intelligence. I hope it helps you build relationships, create value in your organization, be seen as a bigger contributor, solve problems together, create bonds, and win, win, win.
I'm Tyler Small, and this is Hacking Emotional Intelligence.