EVER HEAR SOMEONE ASK: “I’m confused. Can you help me understand?...” In this episode, Tyler explains how such statements can erode trust and damage your personal brand -- and what you can say instead. Hey - Don't forget to connect with The 5-Star Approach on LinkedIn, Facebook & Instagram!
with Tyler Small
“I'm confused. Can you help me understand why we're doing it this way?” You've probably heard someone say this. I think it's become kind of a catch-all when we think we've caught someone not making sense.
I'm Tyler Small, and this is Hacking Emotional Intelligence... where we help you build 5-Star Relationships at work by boosting your awareness, influence, personal brand, and your power.
In this episode, I'm going to blow up this phrase: "I'm confused, can you help me understand... ( dot dot dot)?" I've heard it many times; I've heard it many times from leaders I've coached. I often asked them to practice responding to that person at work who is driving them up the wall. And they'll often say something like, "I'm confused. Can you help me understand?" Right?
So I generally steer people away from this, and here's why. First, I think that the way I've heard it used the speaker is not actually confused. And that is made clear by either the context of the situation or by their body language and even if you were really great at covering up your body language, the context of this situation could still betray you. Are you actually confused or do you merely want an explanation. If you're not actually confused, then saying that you are confused can break down trust and demean your counterpart.
So, the second thing is that if your counterpart actually believes you - that you really are confused - then you've just given up credibility for your personal brand. Because now you're this person who is, well, confused and it could only take once if someone is irritated with you and you tell them that you're confused, then they may adopt that concept for their permanent perspective of you. Now, to this person, you are that confused person. Confused doesn't equal influential; confused equals powerless. Do you see that there's no win-win here?
Instead I have two suggestions. Number one is to use reflective listening to show that you're not confused and that you're on the same team. You don't want your counterpart to wonder if you understand them. You don't want to have a fish face. You want to validate them by showing you do understand - you're interested and you know at least some of what's going on.
And here are some examples of ways to be agreeable and understanding without committing to a plan that you don't agree with:
"I'm hearing that you don't think my team can meet the deadline." "I see there is a big problem here." "I understand that you're feeling disrespected because of what I said in the meeting." I think it's really important to show your support for their thinking.
My second suggestion is that: once you've succeeded in giving the other person confidence that they've communicated their point of view and that you understand it and you emotionally support their right to an opinion - in other words, you respect their right to independent thinking - it might be a good time to fill in gaps. And here are a few ways you could do this:
"I'm curious, what's your criteria for selecting this vendor?" "I have a question about Bob's skill level in handling plutonium." "It seems like we've missed at least one deadline in the past. What will make it different this time?"
By first agreeing and demonstrating loyalty and kindness, you're in a much better position to ask clarifying questions. This way, the questions aren't seen as a defense; they're seen as a collaboration for moving forward with a trusted partner.
I hope these suggestions help you hack your emotional intelligence and remake your personal brand. More power to you.
[I want to thank Amy Bennett for her great question: What will make it different this time?]
I'm Tyler Small, and this is Hacking Emotional Intelligence.