HOW NOT TO DIE when driving… or in relationships. Most people feel like they’re contributing more than 50% in their relationships. How is that possible? It’s not! Here’s what you can do about it. Hey - Don't forget to connect with The 5-Star Approach on LinkedIn, Facebook & Instagram!
with Tyler Small
Both people typically think that they're giving more than 50% in a relationship. In order to show the person that you are contributing, you have to overcompensate for the other person's perception that they're always contributing more.
When I was learning how to drive, I was headed up this windy hill. It was dark; there's no street lights. And there's a guard rail on one side. If you go through that guard rail, you'll tumble down the hill, right? So I'm headed up this really windy road. I'm just learning how to drive. And, uh, it's dark. I'm really tired. I was headed to the super early morning religious studies course. My mom is in the passenger side, right? So I've got my learner's permit and I'm headed up.
And all of a sudden, uh, my eyes are open, but the road goes left and I keep going straight. My mom says Tyler, where are you going?! And I kind of came to and jerked the car to the left. So we're in the opposite lane. And, I'm like, Oh my goodness. So I jerked the car the other way, and we go back into our lane, but you know, a series of these short jerks, right?
Luckily I got the car under control, but it was a close call. And this concept of overcompensation or over-correcting, came very clear in my mind - like, Oh, okay, don't overcompensate, right? Don't over-correct.
Sometimes, though, we need to overcompensate. My wife loves listening to this guy, Earl Nightingale - this was recorded something like 80 years ago - he has this thing called the strangest secret, and it's on YouTube. And he says, Some people will go to the woodstove - one of those old fashioned, you know, wood stoves, where you put the wood in and you have to light it on fire, right, and it kind of heats the place? He says, Some people will go to the woodstove and say, Give me heat. Then I'll give you wood. And it's sort of backwards, right? Because the woodstove is obviously not going to do anything until you overcompensate by giving it more wood in the beginning. And then it gives you back some heat and you can kind of sit around while it gives you heat. Well, this concept of over-correcting in the beginning, this is really important. And I think this ties over into relationships in a really interesting way.
For example, when we are in a relationship trying to get it to 5-Stars, both people typically think that they're giving more than 50% in a relationship. And it's very rare that somebody will admit or believe that they're giving less than 50%. Most often people believe that they're giving more than the other person.
Of course, this is interesting because that percentage -- if both people think they're giving 60%, that percent ends up being over a hundred in that perception, right? As you look at that as a tendency among our perceptions, then it becomes really important in order to show the person that you are contributing - so much so that they would call it a 5-Star Relationship, that they feel so cared for and so respected - you actually have to give in a great deal more than you might think. You have to overcompensate for the other person's perception that they're always contributing more. So you have to literally load up that relationship with wood, so to speak, just like you would a woodstove that's not quite giving you heat back, right? And you're not asking for much - ideally you're not asking for anything until you get it to 5-Stars, where the fire's burning hot, right?
So getting ahead, making those deposits in the beginning, can help tip the scale, so to speak, of when the other person says, Oh my goodness, my counterpart is giving so much to this relationship. I feel like they're serving the relationship so well. This is a great relationship.
Now, in a lot of relationships - at work and beyond - as your counterpart evaluates the relationship, they're going to see a lot of withdrawals. They're going to see withdrawals that you've done in the past. And as they look at those withdrawals, they may in fact see that you are at a deficit from their perspective. This is all from their perspective -- we're looking at everything from the other person's perspective. And so if they see that there's an actual negative amount of value in that relationship, then you might have to compensate even more.
I'm not saying that you can do all this in a day. However, you can apologize - and that helps to turn things around and then start moving in the right direction. As you apologize, you're letting them know, Hey, I'm turning this ship around. I'm changing the way that I contribute to this relationship. I realized that I need to contribute a lot more.
You probably don't have to use the word overcompensate in the beginning, unless they're like, Why are you doing all this? Then you might explain: Well, I figured because I've been at such a deficit before, in my contribution to the relationship, I'm just trying to overcompensate a little bit now in order to catch up. That's a very transparent thing to say if you're questioned on it. But also to couple with that: Because I care about this relationship so much
Overcompensating in the relationship becomes this thing that we almost always need to do when turning around a relationship. Now, if you're going from a 4 to a 5, and you really feel like the other person, is super honest and it really is pretty good, and you're just bumping it up a little bit... then you may not have to overcompensate a ton in order to catch up.
However, in general, the need still remains because other people tend to think that they're giving more than they actually are. Just like, we tend to think that we're giving more than we actually are. Overcompensation remains a critical factor for us to maintain a 5-Star Relationship.
All that said, the good news is that despite the need for overcompensation in the beginning, and as you build the relationship, once you get to 5-Stars, you've identified their top priorities and how to fulfill those top priorities with minimal effort. So maintaining a 5-Star Relationship is actually much easier than building one.
I'm Tyler Small, and this is Hacking Emotional Intelligence.